Sport

Theresa May calls snap FA Cup Final

THE prime minister has announced that the FA Cup final will be played next weekend in the national interest.

Arsenal fans remain on course for record-breaking levels of shattering disappointment

ARSENAL has booked its place in the FA Cup final, setting its fans up for an unprecedented level of soul destruction.

Fan with ‘Wenger Out’ banner sick of Arsenal winning

A DISGRUNTLED Arsenal fan is tired of bringing his ‘Wenger Out’ banner to games that the Gunners win.

Bookies don’t want your shitty £1 bet

THE nation’s bookmakers have told once-a-year punters to refrain from placing their pathetic Grand National bets this year.

Manchester United still the spawniest bastards around

MANCHESTER United remain unchallenged as the jammiest gits in the Premier League, it has emerged.

Man enjoys annual day of struggling to understand betting

A MAN at Cheltenham knowledgeably discussing form and accumulators has already lost several hundred pounds, he has confirmed.

Arsenal fan respectfully asks Wenger to f**k off

AN ARSENAL fan who will never forget what Arsene Wenger achieved for the club has asked him to please fuck off, sir.

ITV to replace Champions League with footage of people laughing as they illegally stream matches

ITV is to replace Champions League matches with footage of laughing people who are illegally streaming the matches without signing up for BT sports.