STEVEN Gerrard has told Liverpool FC he plans to leave the club and take its fanbase of 71 million with him.
PLANS to make Arsene Wenger the voice of the London Underground have foundered after he failed to get a clear view of a single stop.
ROY Keane may go back to his previous role muttering threatening remarks at bus stops, it has emerged.
MARIO Balotelli has explained he swapped shirts with Real Madrid at half-time to go undercover and win the game for Liverpool.
MANCHESTER City captain Vincent Kompany has admitted his side was distracted against CSKA Moscow by the lack of abusive chanting.
SUNDERLAND players have paid to have fans' memories of their defeat by Southampton surgically deleted.
LIVERPOOL'S 3-2 victory against QPR only happened in striker Raheem Sterling's sleeping mind, the FA has confirmed.
LABOUR has unveiled plans for socialist football.