Sport

HEADY with anticipation at a man you’ve never heard of signing for the club you support? These are the six stages in your journey to hatred.

HOLA, football fans! Your top turtleneck-wearing Catalonian here. Fresh from prowling the touchline with the symmetrical bald head that makes your wife quiet during Match of the Day.

REAL football is back, football for men from unfashionable towns who looked no further than 25 miles away for their key interest in life. What match will you be at?

MANY people find it hard to master golf, unlike Tiger Woods and me. But follow these tips and you’ll be winning tournaments with surprising frequency.

DOES your club’s transfer business seem to consist of selling off all their good players and buying cheap shit ones? Deaden the pain by lying to yourself.

ENGLAND fans are confident they would have slotted a dozen goals past Spain if they had not already lost to a better team.

WHETHER you’re English, Scottish, or God help you French, football has been scientifically proven to be a shit sport for shitheads. What are you into instead?

A World Cup semi-final is not the only situation Thomas Tuchel can stupidly fumble. Here he explains other activities he likes to screw up. 

ENGLAND lost, and it cannot be the fault of the country, our brave boys who gave everything, or the fans. So which knobhead is to blame this time? We investigate.