Sport

United to play rest of season behind closed doors

MANCHESTER United has banned all spectators because they're putting off the players.

It's okay, I've brought my own flamethrower, says Balotelli

MARIO Balotelli has assured the Liverpool management that he has all the equipment he needs.

Arsenal blames fatigue as season stretches into third game

ARSENAL’S poor performance against Besiktas has been blamed on the rigours of playing football for nearly a fortnight.

Foy used vanishing spray to seal off buffet

PREMIER League referee Chris Foy faces an investigation after using vanishing spray to push party guests back 10 yards.

Rooney rewarded for unstinting loyalty

MANCHESTER United has made Wayne Rooney its new captain as reward for his unswerving dedication to the club.

Chelsea somehow the underdogs against Burnley

JOSE Mourinho’s Chelsea will be the plucky minnows when they visit newly promoted Burnley.

Hoddle hoping to get a game at QPR

GLENN Hoddle believes that signing to QPR will result in his getting a regular midfield run-out.

Celtic awards bullshit goals to fictional player

CELTIC has invented a fictional hero to take credit for the three goals it never scored.