Milton Keynes told to ditch European Capital of Culture bid but not because of Brexit

MILTON Keynes has been advised its European Capital of Culture bid would be unsuccessful even if Britain stayed in the EU and paid £350m a day.

Shops think you want a Christmas sandwich

SUPERMARKETS are convinced that customers want unpleasant Christmas sandwiches that are a mockery of festive food, it has emerged.

‘Intuitive’ woman able to sense the incredibly obvious

A WOMAN believes she has a gift for ‘reading’ social situations that are completely obvious to everyone, she has revealed.

Robert Mugabe’s leaving party an awkward affair

ATTENDEES of the after-work drinks party thrown for  Robert Mugabe have agreed that the atmosphere was 'beyond awkward'.

Boss who says ‘Cheer up, it might never happen!’ unaware he is what has happened

A SALES manager who tells employees ‘Cheer up, it might never happen!’ has no idea that they cannot because it has happened and it is he.

House prices increase by precisely the amount of stamp duty cut

THE price of homes for first-time buyers has gone up by exactly what they are set to save after yesterday’s cut in stamp duty.

Budget assigns £3bn to Brexit, £6bn to bullshit, and £12bn to total and utter bollocks

THE government has promised £3 billion in funding for Brexit, a further £6 billion for bullshit, and an unprecedented £12 billion for utter fucking bollocks.

As a 'flexitarian' I can enjoy the smugness of vegetarianism while still eating meat

MY NAME’S Nikki and I’m a flexitarian. ‘What’s that?’ I hear you cry, already overwhelmed by how fascinating I am.

Hipster seems to have confused Mugabe with Mandela

A HIPSTER is sad about the resignation of Robert Mugabe, who he thinks is Nelson Mandela.