Northern man almost added kisses to text message

A MAN from Leeds came within a split second of putting a row of Xs at the bottom of a text message to a woman he likes.

‘Generation rent’ least exciting youth movement in history

BEING a member of ‘generation rent’ is far less interesting than being a punk, hippie or raver, renters have claimed.

Woman not quite pregnant enough to deserve seat

A WOMAN on the train is just not pregnant enough to oblige fellow passengers to offer her a seat, it has emerged.

Dad invests in jumper that will see him through last 40 years of his life

A MIDDLE-aged man has purchased the functional sweater he will wear repeatedly until death.

Grandmother prefers iPad to grandchildren

A GRANDMOTHER has revealed she much prefers spending time with her iPad than with her two grandchildren.

EU vote will include option to restart WW2

NEXT year’s EU referendum will offer voters the chance to relaunch the Second World War.

Man who drank water between pints impressed absolutely no-one

A MAN who made a point of drinking water in between each pint of beer did not impress anyone, it has been confirmed.

Brian Sewell's transfer window round-up

Of all the painters with 'van' in their name, the most gifted is unquestionably Van Morrison.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) With the nights starting to draw in, you'll be able to spend more and more time lurking in your neighbour's hedge undetected.