Russell Brand’s revolution to consist mainly of nutters

THE vanguard of Russell Brand’s revolution will be people who are out of their minds, it has been confirmed.

Lord Sugar actually unemployed

THE winner of this year’s Apprentice will fill in Lord Sugar’s job applications while he watches daytime TV, the BBC has admitted.

New remote doesn’t have any buttons that f**k the TV

A NEW TV remote has no buttons that completely fuck up the television.

Soup claiming to be a full meal

SOUP is continuing to insist it is a main course despite barely functioning as a starter.

Cameron urges Britons to steal from European hotels

DAVID Cameron has told British tourists to recoup the UK’s £2 billion EU surcharge by stealing things from continental hotels.

Balotelli was trying to infiltrate Real Madrid

MARIO Balotelli has explained he swapped shirts with Real Madrid at half-time to go undercover and win the game for Liverpool.

Cold-calling divorce lawyers promise compensation for bad marriages

DIVORCE lawyers are making unsolicited calls to ask if you have suffered a marriage, relationship or children that are not your fault.

Any company making a profit is lying

ANY business which claims to be successful is covering up a huge hole in its accounts, analysts have confirmed.

‘Getting your name out there’ to become legal tender

ANYONE asked to undertake unpaid work can exchange Facebook ‘likes’ for food under a new government initiative.