Man who drank water between pints impressed absolutely no-one

A MAN who made a point of drinking water in between each pint of beer did not impress anyone, it has been confirmed.

Rest of week written off

BRITAIN has agreed that this week is a total waste of everyone's time.

Heart-rending tale of human suffering prompts man to unsubscribe

THE FATE of Syrian families forced to leave their homes has persuaded a man to opt out of further emails.

Corbyn insane not to invade Iraq, says Blair

JEREMY Corbyn’s lack of a plan to invade Iraq would spell disaster for Labour, Tony Blair has claimed.

Farage pledges traditionally xenophobic EU campaign

UKIP’S EU referendum campaign will feature proper British xenophobia and classic, ad-libbed racism, Nigel Farage has promised.

Man celebrates pathetic little pay rise by switching to ‘premium’ fuel

A MAN has spent some of his two percent pay rise on some slightly better quality petrol.

Edinburgh residents told it’s safe to return

EDINBURGH residents have been told they can return safely to the city without being performed at.

Lying bastard phone said it had 12 percent battery left

A LYING bastard of a phone claimed it had at least 12 percent battery life left before dying two minutes later.

Sexual tension between male cyclists and taxi drivers reaching unbearable levels

TAXI drivers and men on bikes are almost at the point where they will stop disguising their lust as loathing.