Man celebrates 30th birthday by abandoning dreams

A SWINDON man has celebrated the end of his twenties by accepting that none of his childhood ambitions will ever come to pass.

It’s you or us, say giraffes

GIRAFFES have confirmed that they are fuelled by hate and plan to exterminate the human race.

Cafe customer torn between wanting specific bit of cake and looking like a dick

A WOMAN has found herself torn over whether to pinpoint the specific slice of cake that she would like.

High-earning houses ban humans from living in them

HOUSES are now worth so much they do not want people living in them and lowering their tone, they have announced.

Richard Littlejohn in S & M relationship with binmen

DAILY Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn is in a sadomasochistic master-slave relationship with his binmen, he has admitted.

Jailed trader to dig escape tunnel behind poster of Thatcher

LIBOR rigger Tom Hayes is to tunnel out of prison using a poster of Margaret Thatcher as cover.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Given that the Fire Brigade puts out fires, surely the PC Brigade would put out political correctness? 

Cat wins every fight by just getting in there instead of staring for ages

A CAT has realised that it can beat up any other cat by cutting out the preliminary staring.

Corbyn thing actually happening

THIS whole Jeremy Corbyn thing is really happening, it has emerged.