Even UKIP supporters admit Mike Read has always been a dick

MIKE Read has been denounced by UKIP supporters old enough to remember Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

Incredibly depressing time capsule buried

A TIME capsule containing the Ebola virus, a bent iPhone 6 and a UKIP manifesto has been buried as a warning to future humans.

Sweden looking for submarine in G4, G6 and C2

SWEDEN has dropped depth charges in three squares of the Baltic in an attempt to hit a Russian submarine.

Medical schools forgot to include dementia, admits BMA

THE British Medical Association has admitted that doctors have not been trained in ‘brain stuff’.

Inclusive community choir secretly hoping the shit ones will quit

A COMMUNITY choir that welcomes all singing abilities would quite like it if the tuneless ones stopped turning up, it has emerged.

Hard kids get their own soft play centre

A SPECIALIST soft play centre for hard evil kids has opened near Swindon.

New car as generic as you are

A NEW model of car is as unremarkable as your personality, according to its makers.

Sunderland fans to have memories wiped

SUNDERLAND players have paid to have fans' memories of their defeat by Southampton surgically deleted.

EU threatens to send expatriate grandparents home

THE EU has threatened to send your elderly expat relatives home to live with you.