THE security services are planning to discredit Russell Brand by having him caught in an affair with a disreputable young woman.
A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.
AFTER unsuccessfully resigning, Ally McCoist has admitted that he has no idea how he can stop being Rangers manager.
KIM Jong Un has told Hollywood to stick to sexually attractive vampires or he will have everyone killed.
THE proprietor of a shop selling tasteful artisan gifts has realised it is all just so f*cking irrelevant.
A BRIEF guide to how things will change but stay the same in the coming year.
A COMMITTED racist and homophobe has blamed pain-killing medication for a string of cogent arguments in favour of multi-culturalism and gay rights.
THE creators of a tedious, badly-designed computer game are hurriedly adding gratuitous sex and violence.
THE Church of England has managed to appoint a female bishop within half a century of humans setting foot on another world.