Government admits having a life not really an option

THE government has confirmed that you are too busy to eat properly, exercise or enjoy relationships.

Scotland too much of a paradise to ever leave, confirm millionaires

SCOTLAND to tax its millionaires because they could never find anywhere nicer to live.

Workers successfully bought off with Christmas meal

A FREE meal at a high street restaurant is ample reward for months of relentless poorly-paid toil, according to employees.

Young football fan reluctantly adopts Milner as role model

A 10-YEAR-OLD football fan has grudgingly hung a poster of James Milner on his wall.

Bale to return as Megabatman

FORMER Batman Christian Bale is to play a new self-devised superhero called Megabatman.

People who knew nothing about Ferguson riots able to work out exactly why they happened

A GROUP of people kept in isolation for the last six months has guessed exactly why there are riots in the US town of Ferguson.

Everything now ‘class war’

ANYTHING that makes you unhappy is a direct result of class war, it has been confirmed.

Kevin McCloud unveils tasteful modernist grotto

GRAND Designs host Kevin McCloud has launched a clinical, futuristic Christmas grotto for poncey families.

Shattered Tower Bridge glass shows city from a Londoner’s perspective

THE shattered glass walkway on Tower Bridge allows tourists to see London from the cracked perspective of a resident, it has been claimed.