Time traveller dismayed to see that urinals are still around

A TIME traveller from 1964 has expressed his shock and disgust that men are still urinating into a trough.

Lorry drivers' conversations now apocalyptically racist

STRANDED lorry drivers in Kent have broken records for the level of violent racism in their conversations.

Clarkson forced to deliver books and DVDs

JEREMY Clarkson’s new Amazon contract includes an obligation to deliver 300 parcels a month.

Cheaper to commute from Moon than live in London

COMMUTING from the Sea of Tranquility is now cheaper than renting a studio flat in Camden.

I didn’t know the lion had a name, says dentist

THE US dentist who killed Cecil the lion has said he would not knowingly have targeted an animal with a name.

Today final deadline for summer romances, warns HMRC

REVENUE & Customs has warned that all summer romances must begin by midnight.

England fans to stay at Edgbaston and get shitfaced

EDGBASTON will stay open until 7pm today so England cricket fans can get mortal.

Increasingly evil and cunning seagulls open lettings agency

SEAGULLS have cemented their position as humanity’s arch-enemy by opening a lettings agency specialising in ‘luxury studio flats’.

New theme park exclusively devoted to angrily bollocking children

BOLLOCKINGLAND in Kent is the first theme park just for angry parents who want to publicly tell off their children.