National Orgasm Day followed by National Avoiding Eye-Contact Day

THE celebration of National Orgasm Day has been followed by a day of changing the subject, turning over and pretending to go to sleep.

Neighbourhood dogs enjoy ‘top-notch’ two-hour barking session

A GROUP of neighbourhood dogs said last night’s two-hour barking session was one of the best this year.

British and German holidaymakers joint worst, says rest of Europe

EUROPE has ended the argument about whether British or German holidaymakers are the worst by confirming that they both are.

Scotland bursting at seams with dreary show-offs

SCOTLAND has been overwhelmed by boring, self-obsessed people with something to prove.

DNA project to find out why Britain is so full of arseholes

SCIENTISTS are to map the DNA of everyone in Britain in a bid to find out why so many of you are dreadful.

Burning Man festival being explained in a patronising manner

PEOPLE who go to Burning Man festival have been explaining what it is in a slightly condescending tone.

Millions forced into fantasy football

WORKERS are being coerced into joining complex and tedious fantasy football games.

Exciting new technology nowhere near ready

AN exciting new piece of technology is nowhere near ready and will never come into widespread use.

Gatwick employs extra surly layabouts

GATWICK has doubled its staff of surly baggage-flingers.