Salmond has worn same tie every day for seven years

ALEX Salmond has been wearing a tie covered in tiny Scottish flags for almost seven years, it has emerged.

Casting begins for '12 Years a Scot'

CASTING has begun for an epic film about the traumatic life of a Scottish person in the early 21st Century.

Entire Premier League can’t be bothered

EVERY team in the Premier League has given up trying to win the title after only four games.

Today to feel like Wednesday

THE whole of Monday is to feel deceptively like a Wednesday, forecasters have warned.

Essex to become super sewer

ESSEX is to be turned into a gigantic sewage outflow for the city of London.

Sunderland pub named Britain’s best for fighting

THE Mermaid’s Head, a no-frills Wearside boozer that specialises in delivering a proper hiding, has been named the nation’s best fighting pub by The Guardian.

Beard to divorce owner

A FIVE-year-old beard has sought a divorce from his 28-year-old London-based owner.

Page 3 to end as Britain runs out of breasts

THE SUN is to end its topless Page 3 feature because the UK’s supply of tits has been exhausted.

Americans warn Scotland about ‘hope-change bullshit’

ORDINARY Americans have warned Scotland the momentous change it is being sold is total bullshit.