You should hear me when I stub my f**king toe, says Kim Sears

ANDY Murray's fiancee has dismissed her expletive-filled tirade against his Australian Open semi-final opponent as nothing compared to when she steps in catshit.

Waitrose totally freaks out

CLASSY supermarket Waitrose has completely lost it after everyone took the piss with its free hot drinks.

Museum to remove size zero dinosaur

LONDON'S Natural History Museum will remove a fat-shaming dinosaur exhibit, it has confirmed.

Breaking Bad spin-off is nature documentary

THE spin-off from hit drama Breaking Bad is a documentary about the flora and fauna of the New Mexico desert, its producers have revealed.

Self-loathing immigrants urged to vote UKIP

UKIP is courting the vote of immigrants who hate what they see in the mirror, it has confirmed.

Cat returns from dead in heartwarming spine-chilling story

A CAT has clawed its way out of a shallow grave and returned home to terrify its delighted owner.

Midlands earthquake leaves trail of pound shops and coffee chains

AN earthquake centred in Rutland has left Midlands towns a bleak, devastated, landscape of nothing but Poundstretchers and Costa Coffees.

Further arrests in anti-Big Club conspiracy

DOZENS of referees, players and public officials have been rounded up as part of the investigation into a conspiracy against big Premier League clubs.

Millions of Britons making extra money as mucus factories

ACROSS the UK, millions of people are earning second incomes by turning their bodies into 24-hour mucus production facilities.