We know ten per cent is bugger all, customers tell shops

SHOPPERS have told retailers that a ten per cent discount is worthless so they may as well stop pretending otherwise.

Health experts somehow come up with perfectly reasonable idea

PUTTING a calorie count on alcohol labels is not annoying or patronising, it has emerged.

Pumpkin carving is the new dick size, say men

EXPERTLY carving a Halloween pumpkin is the new way to demonstrate your virility, men have confirmed.

Parents delighted as son’s creative dreams die

THE parents of 25-year-old Nathan Muir are celebrating their son’s decision to abandon his band for a job in a bank.

Gerrard to take Liverpool fans with him

STEVEN Gerrard has told Liverpool FC he plans to leave the club and take its fanbase of 71 million with him.

Labour pledges new way of treating Scotland with utter contempt

THE Labour party has pledged to renew its unbridled contempt for Scottish voters.

High-earning bastard sick of everyone presuming he has good side

A SUCCESSFUL City banker has asked everyone to stop suggesting he secretly has a heart of gold.

McDonald’s unveils ‘at least it’s not a f**king gourmet burger’ slogan

BURGER chain McDonald’s has a new slogan emphasising that at least its product is unpretentious.

Next person who says they are ‘loving’ something to get punched in the face

THE next individual to describe themselves as ‘loving’ this or that can be punched squarely in the face, the government has confirmed.