Truancy now a GCSE subject

THE problem of truancy has been solved by making it into a qualification.

Lightweight American politician didn’t even have sex with dead goat

BRITONS have expressed shock that a US politician killed a goat and drank its blood without also shagging it.

Fighting actually looks rubbish

ORDINARY people trying to fight each other don’t look cool like in films, it has been confirmed.

BBC admits Bake Off is catastrophic social experiment

THE BBC has revealed The Great British Bake Off is an 'enormously dangerous', population-wide experiment.

Leftie caricature of 'evil Tories' broadly accurate, admits middle England

MIDDLE England has admitted the Tories are the baddies in a film, just like those lefties always claimed.

Guardian article comparing Syria crisis to leaving London ‘in the works’

SOMEONE is writing a Guardian article about how leaving London to live in Bristol is like fleeing Syria, it has been confirmed.

Man staying late in office to imagine having affair

A MARKETING manager is staying in the office until 7pm every night to imagine the illicit thrill of having an affair. 

Tragic iPhone 6S has big emotional battery death

AN IPHONE 6S has told its owner to be strong and carry on after its shitty battery gave out.

Rooney inspiring kids to guzzle Yum Yums and burn out at 29

WAYNE Rooney has inspired millions of young Britons to phone it in while gorging on sticky buns.