Drogba returns to Chelsea to die

STRIKER Didier Drogba is dragging himself back to Stamford Bridge to end his days, the club has confirmed.

Secret Cinema victims treated for lack of perspective

THOUSANDS of middle class people are receiving emergency lack of perspective treatment following the cancellation of Secret Cinema.

Rare records mostly dreadful

SCARCE and highly collectable vinyl records are generally awful, it has emerged.

Britain sleeping in fridge

THE entire population of the UK has moved downstairs to sleep inside the fridge.

Opening ceremony viewers question their sanity

THE Commonwealth Games opening ceremony has left viewers phoning friends to make sure they saw the same thing.

Public furious at competent bankers

THE public has called for the RBS bankers who made a £1 billion profit to be replaced by bungling hate figures.

Sex actually quite strange

SEXUAL intercourse is probably the weirdest thing you will ever do, according to experts.

Cameron announces tough sanctions against London

THE prime minister is to impose sanctions on Russia's wealthiest city, London.

Fight Club 2 focuses on making club into viable business

THE SEQUEL to Fight Club is about the lengthy administrative process necessary to make the club legal and profitable.