Single people forced to join families

UNMARRIED people are to be forced into strangers' family homes as long-lost aunts or uncles, the government has announced.

Swans to replace Trident

AGGRESSIVE swans like those terrorising tourists on the river Cam are to replace Britain’s nuclear arsenal.

Food good for you

REGULARLY eating food protects against death, it has emerged.

All female characters now ludicrously hard

EVERY female character in TV and film is now exceptionally determined and hard as nails.

Woman’s hair has too much attitude

A 25-YEAR-OLD woman’s punk-influenced hair has been verbally abusing her family.

Foy used vanishing spray to seal off buffet

PREMIER League referee Chris Foy faces an investigation after using vanishing spray to push party guests back 10 yards.

So is casual racism not allowed either? asks UKIP

UKIP has asked for clarification on whether ‘casual racism’ is the same as ‘proper racism’.

Big Brother line-up becomes Celebrity Big Brother line-up

THE entire line-up of housemates from the just-completed series of Big Brother last night re-entered the house for Celebrity Big Brother.

Rail fares to increase by two inflations and a pay rise

RAIL fares will increase by inflation times two, plus the pathetic little pay rise you are probably not going to get anyway.