Apple designer Jony Ive admits he can only draw oblongs

APPLE design guru Sir Jonathan Ive has admitted his iconic designs are based on his inability to draw anything except oblongs.

Carveries recognised as a religion

'GOING to the carvery' is now the UK’s biggest belief system.

Things that live in the sea found off British coast

BRITAIN’S coastal waters are being invaded by sea-dwelling creatures.

Commitment-phobic gay man privately dismayed by Irish referendum

A GAY Irish man who can now legally wed his partner is desperate not to.

Delia Smith turns down Norwich promotion

NORWICH City owner Delia Smith has turned down the club's promotion, insisting the Premier League is too fancy.

Kent emotionally devastated by earthquake

KENT residents have said they may never trust the earth again after being hit by a 4.2 magnitude earthquake.

Liz Kendall to punch UK's last coal miner

LABOUR leadership hopeful Liz Kendall has promised to punch the last surviving British coal miner hard in the face.

Watching Eurovision ironically is still watching Eurovision, say experts

THE British public have been warned that watching the Eurovision Song Contest to sneer at it is no better than watching it genuinely, like a Belgian.

Bin Laden was 9/11 conspiracy theorist

OSAMA bin Laden was convinced that the CIA were responsible for the 9/11 attacks despite planning them himself, it has emerged.