Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain leaves the EU, it has emerged.

Barack Obama is President of the United States

BARACK Obama is president of the world’s most powerful country, it has been confirmed.

Man who can't stop talking shite clearly ideal for important negotiations

BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of unfunny xenophobic remarks is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

Southern Rail threatens return to 'full service'

SOUTHERN Rail has ominously announced that its dreaded ‘full service’ is set to resume.

New Glastonbury to have turnip-growing contest and pig races

GLASTONBURY’S new festival the Variety Bazaar will feature large vegetables, a pig race with obstacles and Lady Gaga running a lucky dip.

Ask Holly: Looking like a badger entangled in a Laura Ashley sale rail doesn’t mean I’m not a leader

JUST because I slightly resemble Uncle Bulgaria doesn’t mean I’m a complete womble.

Couple having extension 'nightmare' should shut up now

A COUPLE who have enough money to make their house bigger should stop whining about the trauma it is causing them, it has been confirmed.

Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.