Ancient demonic entity saving kids from half term boredom

PARENTS have praised Mexican demon Charlie for giving children something to do during the half term break.

Delia Smith turns down Norwich promotion

NORWICH City owner Delia Smith has turned down the club's promotion, insisting the Premier League is too fancy.

Commitment-phobic gay man privately dismayed by Irish referendum

A GAY Irish man who can now legally wed his partner is desperate not to.

Carveries recognised as a religion

'GOING to the carvery' is now the UK’s biggest belief system.

Apple designer Jony Ive admits he can only draw oblongs

APPLE design guru Sir Jonathan Ive has admitted his iconic designs are based on his inability to draw anything except oblongs.

Dog really pissed off with O2

LABRADOR Tom Booker wants to bite everyone at O2 after his mobile phone stopped working yesterday.

Things that live in the sea found off British coast

BRITAIN’S coastal waters are being invaded by sea-dwelling creatures.

Kent emotionally devastated by earthquake

KENT residents have said they may never trust the earth again after being hit by a 4.2 magnitude earthquake.

Liz Kendall to punch UK's last coal miner

LABOUR leadership hopeful Liz Kendall has promised to punch the last surviving British coal miner hard in the face.