FIFA’s ball confiscated

THE ball used for the World Cup has been confiscated.

That’s how teeth are supposed to look, says Britain

BRITAIN’S teeth are imperfect because they haven’t had lots of weird expensive shit done to them, it has emerged.

Qatar still the home of football, says Blatter

FIFA president Sepp Blatter has confirmed that Qatar remains the birthplace of football and no investigation will change that.

Families furious at disappointing Game of Thrones fun day

DOZENS of angry parents have complained about a badly organised Game of Thrones fun day.

At least three applicants for West Ham job clearly Allardyce in disguise

WEST Ham has been disappointed by how many of the applicants to becomes its manager are departing boss Sam Allardyce.

Slankets ‘unacceptable’

BLANKETS with arms have no place in a civilised world, it has been claimed.

Ancient demonic entity saving kids from half term boredom

PARENTS have praised Mexican demon Charlie for giving children something to do during the half term break.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Trouble at work this week, when the search for a missing stapler uncovers your life-sized Gregg Wallace doll made of Post It notes.

Delia Smith turns down Norwich promotion

NORWICH City owner Delia Smith has turned down the club's promotion, insisting the Premier League is too fancy.