It's okay, I've brought my own flamethrower, says Balotelli

MARIO Balotelli has assured the Liverpool management that he has all the equipment he needs.

Reading Festival charging £10 for bottle of throwing urine

OUTRAGED music fans say high prices at Reading are making it impossible to shower acts in urine.

Everything in world related to friend’s trip to Thailand

A 21 year-old woman has managed to link every event of the last week to her backpacking trip to Thailand.

Army in house to house search for dangerous Hoovers

THE Army is kicking in doors across Britain today in the search for extreme vacuum cleaners.

UKIP manifesto to be Magic Eye poster

NIGEL Farage has confirmed UKIP's general election manifesto will be printed as an optical illusion.

Notting Hill carnival annual chance to trash Notting Hill

NON-RESIDENTS of Notting Hill are looking forward to this year’s chance to destroy the affluent London borough with impunity.

Dawkins now just telling random strangers why he hates them

RICHARD Dawkins has taken to walking down the street saying horrible, unprovoked things to total strangers.

Middle classes ask if they can stop shopping at Aldi now

THE middle class shoppers who switched to budget supermarkets have wondered if they can switch back soon.

John Lewis like a wrathful god

THE omnipotent John Lewis has descended from the heavens to stop customers taking the piss with free cakes.