Tories target ordinary working bastards

DAVID Cameron has reached out to Britain’s everyday bastard-in-the-street.

Humans undecided on total destruction of nature versus having cool stuff

HUMANITY is conflicted over whether it is worth decimating the planet to maintain the supply of desirable consumer goods.

Kelly Brook leaves earthly plane

MODEL Kelly Brook has left the mortal plane to travel the higher realms looking for love.

‘Totally legal’ things always morally wrong

ANYTHING described as ‘totally legal’ is always the wrong thing to do, it has emerged.

Middle class parents leaving public school prospectuses lying around

PARENTS unable to afford school fees have been reduced to leaving public school prospectuses in highly visible areas of their homes.

Pinch and punch to be rigidly enforced

OFFICIALS will enforce 'pinch, punch, first of the month' tomorrow, it has been confirmed.

Playing Xbox on YouTube now leading UK industry

THE British economy is now completely dependent on 19-year-olds playing and narrating computer games.

Women who don't like sex looking for new heartthrob

WOMEN with no interest in copulation are bereft following the marriage of their dream man George Clooney.

Golf ‘not good’

RYDER Cup fans have been warned that golf is a boring pastime for twats.