Millions forced into fantasy football

WORKERS are being coerced into joining complex and tedious fantasy football games.

Exciting new technology nowhere near ready

AN exciting new piece of technology is nowhere near ready and will never come into widespread use.

Scholes to be voiced by Julie Walters

SOFTLY-SPOKEN Paul Scholes will be voiced by Julie Walters when he appears as a pundit on BT Sport.

Kids switch from pirates to hitmen

CHILDREN have moved on from their love for pirates to a fascination with hired killers.

Usain Bolt not leaving Scotland alive, confirm officials

GLASGOW'S Commonwealth Games officials have confirmed that Usain Bolt is a dead man walking.

Government weighing up pros and cons of ebola virus

DAVID Cameron has set up a Cabinet committee to decide if ebola is a bad thing.

UK to get referendum on opening Pandora’s box

BRITONS are expected to vote in favour of opening a box containing unspeakable evil.

Blue cheese survives another picnic

A WEDGE of Stilton has returned fully intact from its fifth picnic of the summer.

Rugby league players consider dodging tackles

PIONEERING rugby league players may break with 119 years of tradition to avoid tackles instead of running straight into them.