Dodgy bastard who sold garage to Myleene Klass goes into hiding

THE shady figure who sold Myleene Klass a Catford garage for £2 million is refusing to discuss the deal.

Man faces pretending to like Ride all over again

A MAN in his thirties has expressed dismay at having to pretend to like 90s shoegaze band Ride for the second time.

Attractive middle class woman does not have cookery book out

A GOOD-LOOKING woman from a nice family has inexplicably failed to produce a cookery book.

Great War 'top conflict brand'

WORLD War One has been declared Britain’s most on-trend conflict thanks to its nice coats and haircuts.

All sport moved to desert

EVERY major sporting event will now take place under the blazing desert sun, it has been confirmed.

Last ‘older-looking kid who buys porn for friends’ retires

THE UK’s last working porn-getter has retired.

Scotland getting pretty fed up with reality checks

SCOTLAND has had quite enough of inconvenient reality, it has been confirmed.

Businesses warn fines for bad reviews will almost certainly catch on

BUSINESSES have warned they will be forced to start fining customers who complain.

'Arm' removed from dictionary to make room for 'vape'

THE word 'arm' has been deleted from the Oxford English Dictionary to accommodate 'vape'.