England fans to stay at Edgbaston and get shitfaced

EDGBASTON will stay open until 7pm today so England cricket fans can get mortal.

Clarkson forced to deliver books and DVDs

JEREMY Clarkson’s new Amazon contract includes an obligation to deliver 300 parcels a month.

Dunkirk-style mission to leave stranded migrants where they are

A FLOTILLA of brave of volunteers will sail to Calais and then sail back with no migrants on board.

New theme park exclusively devoted to angrily bollocking children

BOLLOCKINGLAND in Kent is the first theme park just for angry parents who want to publicly tell off their children.

I didn’t know the lion had a name, says dentist

THE US dentist who killed Cecil the lion has said he would not knowingly have targeted an animal with a name.

Shopper horrified to discover she is a ‘real woman’

A MOTHER-OF-TWO has expressed dismay at discovering she is a ‘real woman’ like in television adverts.

Bake Off gets spin-off series How Much Cake Can You Eat?

THE BBC’s popular baking show is to be followed in the schedules by a cake-eating competition.

Mourinho's fat jibes 'must be part of a sophisticated mind game'

CHELSEA manager Jose Mourinho's intricate, enigmatic mind games moved up another level when he called Rafa Benitez fat yesterday.

Ask Holly: Can I ever escape from the fakery of 1D?

AS president of the unofficial Taylor Swift fan club, I have taken an official oath to always despise One Direction.