New laid-back automated checkout doesn’t give a shit what’s in the bagging area

TESCO’S new automated till has the character of a divorced middle-aged woman with a borderline drink problem.

Bake Off unveils sacrificial hipster

THE BBC has unveiled this year’s Bake Off hipster, who will meet with a terrible fate.

Man hands teddy bear into lost property instead of putting it on social media

TWITTER and Facebook users are hunting for a man who failed to turn a lost toy into a viral internet phenomenon.

Thousands sigh before reluctantly picking a Fantasy Football team

BRITONS have lethargically picked the Fantasy Football team that will keep them entertained for a fortnight before being forgotten about.

World beginning to realise that sport is evil

SPORT is an entirely negative influence on humanity, it has been confirmed.

Kate’s scuba certificate part of elaborate escape plan

THE Duchess of Cambridge is planning a daring escape from the Royal Family involving a faked shark attack and a mini submarine.

Time traveller dismayed to see that urinals are still around

A TIME traveller from 1964 has expressed his shock and disgust that men are still urinating into a trough.

Lorry drivers' conversations now apocalyptically racist

STRANDED lorry drivers in Kent have broken records for the level of violent racism in their conversations.

Clarkson forced to deliver books and DVDs

JEREMY Clarkson’s new Amazon contract includes an obligation to deliver 300 parcels a month.