Office worker excited about impending 'trickle down' of wealth

ADMINISTRATOR Wayne Hayes is eagerly waiting to feel the benefits of Britain’s robust economic growth.

Tosser policeman not going soft on cannabis

PC TOM Logan is determined to keep busting people for having tiny amounts of cannabis because he is a tosser.

Topshop to replace mannequins with skeletons

RETAILER Topshop is to replace its controversial slender mannequins with skeletons.

Man overestimated by targeted advertising

A MAN is suing Google for persistently misrepresenting him as an affluent, cultured individual.

Kids playing football in park offer Ramos deal

SOME children in a park have offered to take Sergio Ramos, if Real Madrid agrees to take a chunky boy in wellies and Dean’s little brother who’s got asthma.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) This week you'll be unable to shake the image of Andy Burnham taking off his eyebrows at night and putting them in a little silver case.

Summer confirms ‘bold, original’ ending

SUMMER has decided to end suddenly for artistic reasons, it has confirmed.

Hard left actually a retired teacher with a duffle coat

BRITAIN’S hard left consists of a 67 year-old former teacher who likes to collect different types of tea.

Neighbour celebrates 10 years of hammering the shit out of something

NEIGHBOURS of a man in Stevenage have confirmed that Roy Hobbs has completed 10 years of hammering the absolute shit out of something in his house.