NOTHING would have induced me to flee to Manchester, not even £16m.
FOLLOWING the deaths of the geckos on its satellite, Russia is to send more unappealing species on one-way space journeys.
DRINKERS are furious about being unable to predict the severity of their hangovers.
ENDANGERED water voles have designed a revised food chain where nothing eats them.
MEN have convinced themselves that looking at naked celebrity pictures is a legitimate part of keeping up with current affairs.
GEESE are inexplicably convinced that they are hard as nails, it has emerged.
HUGE baby buggies, heavier people and kids on scooters threaten the UK with pedestrian gridlock by 2015.
UNIVERSITY graduates trapped in low-paid jobs have resolved to do them in a grudging, sour-faced manner.
FOLLOWING the summer hit Rude by MAGIC!, music listeners have confirmed they are good for pop-reggae songs until the year 2034.