You should hear me when I stub my f**king toe, says Kim Sears

ANDY Murray's fiancee has dismissed her expletive-filled tirade against his Australian Open semi-final opponent as nothing compared to when she steps in catshit.

Waitrose totally freaks out

CLASSY supermarket Waitrose has completely lost it after everyone took the piss with its free hot drinks.

Museum to remove size zero dinosaur

LONDON'S Natural History Museum will remove a fat-shaming dinosaur exhibit, it has confirmed.

Midlands earthquake leaves trail of pound shops and coffee chains

AN earthquake centred in Rutland has left Midlands towns a bleak, devastated, landscape of nothing but Poundstretchers and Costa Coffees.

Cat returns from dead in heartwarming spine-chilling story

A CAT has clawed its way out of a shallow grave and returned home to terrify its delighted owner.

Millions of Britons making extra money as mucus factories

ACROSS the UK, millions of people are earning second incomes by turning their bodies into 24-hour mucus production facilities.

School overrated

GOING to school is largely a waste of time, according to experts.

Crowdfunding site launched for people who just want some recreational drugs

A NEW crowdfunding website has been launched to help people who want free money for drugs.

Spammer’s heart just not in it anymore

AN idealistic young spammer has become increasingly disillusioned with his profession.