Stella-guzzling arsehole has strong moral stance against drugs

A MAN who regularly gets into fights while drunk would never get involved with dangerous drugs like cannabis, he has announced.

Professional Northerner caught drinking wine

A PROFESSIONAL Northerner's credibility is in tatters after he was caught drinking wine.

Doctor Who fans furious to discover it is load of bollocks

ANGRY Doctor Who fans have condemned the programme after realising it is total bollocks.

UK's first non-weird driving instructor discovered

A NON-WEIRD driving instructor  has been discovered in the UK.

America to remain in darkness until at least 2020

THERE will be a darkness cloaking America for at least the next three years, it has emerged.

Over my dead f**king body, says Queen

CHARLES will become king when I am cold in the ground and not a minute earlier, the Queen has confirmed.

Teenager too talented to go to university

A TEENAGER is so talented that going to university would be a waste of time for him, he has announced.

Naturalists report sighting of elusive, rarely-seen Yodel driver

NATURE experts have reported a rare eyewitness sighting of a Yodel delivery driver.