Apple not toothless crofter living alone in peat-burning cottage, EU rules

THE EU has ruled that Apple is not a kindly old crofter living in an isolated cottage in County Mayo, as it had claimed for tax purposes. 

Man trying to sound unimpressed as female friend lists husband’s affairs

A MAN has struggled to keep admiration out of his voice after a friend shared details of her partner’s serial adultery.

Elderly man and middle-aged son park in parent and child space

A 75-YEAR-OLD father and his middle-aged son took one of the parent and child spaces in a Tesco car park, it has emerged.

Common people doing nasty horrid things in Magaluf

BEASTLY common people in Magaluf are simply horrid, it has been claimed.

Manager has great weekend making idiotic work requests

A MANAGER spent a satisfying bank holiday weekend contacting staff about ‘important’ work issues, he has revealed.

Signal from distant star an invitation to LinkedIn

ASTRONOMERS have confirmed the existence of semi-intelligent alien life with the discovery of an interstellar LinkedIn message.

Goalkeeper at five-a-side looks suspiciously like Joe Hart

THE opposition goalkeeper in a Goals five-a-side league match near Manchester looks a lot like Joe Hart, players have reported.

Woman using her wedding photo on Tinder 'probably not ready to be dating yet'

A WOMAN has put one of her wedding photos on her Tinder profile, fuelling speculation that she is not yet fully over her ex.

Closest Earth-like planet best hope of getting on property ladder

FIRST-TIME buyers have been urged to start looking at buying property on Proxima B.