Queen to confirm she is immortal

THE Queen will use her annual Christmas message to announce that she will never die.

Families watching traditional girl-on-girl stage shows

THOUSANDS of British families are celebrating Christmas by watching some girl-on-girl action.

F**king five-year-old wants f**king iPad for Christmas

A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.

Establishment planning to bring Russell Brand down with sex scandal

THE security services are planning to discredit Russell Brand by having him caught in an affair with a disreputable young woman.

Drunken mob roaming nation looking for carol service

A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.

Everyone to live an extra six hate-filled years

THE average life expectancy has increased by six bitter, ignorant years since 1990, researchers have found.

Chance of Russia starting global war only 40 per cent, world reassured

GEOPOLITICAL experts believe that the danger of Russia initiating a third world war within the next few months is scarcely more than one in three.

Gogglebox family replaced by gibbons

THE producers of Gogglebox have confirmed that the departing Michael family will be replaced with five hooting gibbons.

McCoist doomed to be Rangers manager for all eternity

AFTER unsuccessfully resigning, Ally McCoist has admitted that he has no idea how he can stop being Rangers manager.