April Fools' pranksters can be murdered before midday

ANYONE perpetrating April Fools' Day pranks can be legally murdered before midday, experts have confirmed.

Wi-fi password should be screamed into guests' faces at door

HOUSEGUESTS should be greeted with the wi-fi password at maximum volume, according to new etiquette guidelines.

Dogs not overly anxious about contents of pet food

DOGS have confirmed that they are immune to pet food scares.

Men will keep going to B&Q every week even if it no longer exists

MEN have confirmed plans to continue going to B&Q on Saturdays, even if it is just to claw at the locked gates.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) If life has taught you one thing, might I suggest you start paying a bit more attention?

Harry Kane burns out

HARRY Kane's England career is over after he burnt out just 80 seconds into last night's match.

Everywhere to become luxury student accommodation

BRITAIN’s cities are to be levelled and replaced with fancy flats for privileged idiots with rich parents.

Only reason to drop litter is that you're a selfish dick, say experts

SCIENTISTS have been unable to identify a single worthwhile reason for dropping litter.

Cameron reminds everyone it’s an election campaign as he unveils massive lie

DAVID Cameron has urged Britain to get into the spirit of the general election instead of accusing him of lying.