Guardian reveals how to cook the perfect meth

THE Guardian has published a guide to cooking quick, but delicious crystal meth for a casual Friday night get-together.

Brexit optimism highest among people who love setting fire to things

PEOPLE who love starting fires and watching others run for their lives are the most upbeat about Brexit, it has emerged.

Trump is on glue, confirms White House

THE White House has confirmed that President Donald Trump is on glue.

Woman who keeps voting Tory can't work out why public services are shit

A WOMAN who keeps voting for Conservative governments cannot understand why her local services are terrible.

Britain anxiously awaiting verdict of handful of people who can be arsed to vote

BRITAIN is waiting with bated breath for the verdict of the few people in Stoke and Copeland who can be arsed to vote, it has been confirmed.

New BBC Scotland channel to show English programmes with derisive Scottish commentary

A NEW BBC Scotland channel will show English period dramas with voiceovers from Scottish people calling everyone ‘bawbags’.

Even funny pie stories now ending in abject misery

EVEN funny stories about a fat man eating a pie now end in the ruination of everyone involved, it has been confirmed.

Woman cannot be arsed to have a baby

A WOMAN has decided against having children because it is loads of hassle.

Rugby under increasing pressure to come up with set of rules

RUGBY Union chiefs have been forced to admit the sport is a bloodletting free-for-all that may need some rules.