Patronising English arseholes wondering why Scotland might want independence

ENGLISH people who keep taking the piss out of Scotland are also baffled as to why the country might want independence.

You'll get bored of all this soon and I’ll still be loaded, says Philip Green

SIR Philip Green has confirmed plans to ignore a few weeks of criticism for his role in the BHS collapse and still be rich at the end of it.

Man’s back-up career as unrealistic as dream career

AN ASPIRING musician has discovered that his fall-back career option of setting up a world-renowned record label is only marginally less impossible.

Friends make sure to get group photo of awful night out

AN AWFUL, depressing evening out has been immortalised in a cheerful group photo.

Trainspotting 2 about appreciating real ale

DIRECTOR Danny Boyle has confirmed that the new Trainspotting film will focus on the enjoyment of real ale.

France condemned as petty, jumped-up country obsessed with protecting its borders

FRANCE hates foreigners and thinks it is better than neighbouring countries, it has been claimed.

Workers’ cafe has untouched copy of Guardian

A LOCAL cafe has a copy of today’s Guardian that will remain forever untouched by human hands.

Can we do hanging next? asks Britain

BRITONS have demanded another important issue to vote on without much thought for the consequences.

Neighbourhood traumatised by uncovered knees

LOCALS are coming to terms with having seen their neighbour's weird knees over the weekend.