People who hate music excited about new Cheryl single

THOUSANDS of people who find actual music too confusing are excited to purchase the new single by Cheryl Cole.

Duncan Smith ahead in f**king stupid ideas sweepstake

IAIN Duncan Smith is tipped to win a bet on who can come up with the most idiotic idea at the Tory conference.

Alan Pardew refuses to discuss giant looming sword

NEWCASTLE manager Alan Pardew has ignored enquiries about the huge sword suspended point-down above him by a single thread.

Humans made to wear tax discs

THE legal obligation to display a valid tax disc has been shifted from cars to people.

Manchester United fans using plane banners for idle chit chat

MANCHESTER United fans are communicating anything that pops into their heads via plane banners.

Humans undecided on total destruction of nature versus having cool stuff

HUMANITY is conflicted over whether it is worth decimating the planet to maintain the supply of desirable consumer goods.

Tories target ordinary working bastards

DAVID Cameron has reached out to Britain’s everyday bastard-in-the-street.

Kelly Brook leaves earthly plane

MODEL Kelly Brook has left the mortal plane to travel the higher realms looking for love.

‘Totally legal’ things always morally wrong

ANYTHING described as ‘totally legal’ is always the wrong thing to do, it has emerged.