Waitrose totally freaks out

CLASSY supermarket Waitrose has completely lost it after everyone took the piss with its free hot drinks.

Cat returns from dead in heartwarming spine-chilling story

A CAT has clawed its way out of a shallow grave and returned home to terrify its delighted owner.

School overrated

GOING to school is largely a waste of time, according to experts.

Crowdfunding site launched for people who just want some recreational drugs

A NEW crowdfunding website has been launched to help people who want free money for drugs.

Spammer’s heart just not in it anymore

AN idealistic young spammer has become increasingly disillusioned with his profession.

Desperate media offers to go halfsies on any transfer fee

INCREASINGLY panicky sports editors have offered to stump up half the cost of any January football transfer deal.

Cumberbatch to play Alan Hansen

BENEDICT Cumberbatch has been confirmed to play football pundit Alan Hansen in a forthcoming biopic.

Eastenders to become first horror soap

THE new horror-themed trailer for EastEnders marks a permanent change of direction for the show, the BBC has announced.

Hipster trying to start conversation about Africa Cup of Nations

SELF-STYLED African football fan Tom Logan has annoyed work colleagues by repeatedly making references to Equatorial Guinea.