Sweden looking for submarine in G4, G6 and C2

SWEDEN has dropped depth charges in three squares of the Baltic in an attempt to hit a Russian submarine.

Sunderland fans to have memories wiped

SUNDERLAND players have paid to have fans' memories of their defeat by Sunderland surgically deleted.

EU threatens to send expatriate grandparents home

THE EU has threatened to send your elderly expat relatives home to live with you.

Bus driver only discriminates against people who do not have the exact fare

A BUS driver has confirmed that he welcomes passengers of all races, creeds and sexual orientations provided they do not try to pay with a note.

Violent winds prompt everyone on flight to stare intently at the magazine

PASSENGERS on turbulent flights are pretending to read the in-flight magazine while inwardly shitting themselves.

Reasons why people get depressed in winter fairly obvious

RESEARCHERS into seasonal affective disorder believe it may be caused by everything being dark, cold and awful for months on end.

Someone always has to be difficult, confirm scientists

NEW research has found that in any situation involving multiple humans one of them will be deliberately uncooperative.

Scotland unveils 'Birthplace of F*cking' slogan

SCOTLAND is capitalising on being the site of the first act of copulation with a new slogan and flag.

Waitrose shopping contained intimidatingly working class spider

A FAMILY’S Waitrose food delivery contained a massive loudmouthed spider with old-fashioned sexist views.