BBC confident it can find a new prick

THE BBC has confirmed that Top Gear will continue without Jeremy Clarkson as Britain is awash with boorish oafs.

Men get their own bullshit body types

AFTER decades of women being described as being ‘pear-shaped’ and similar, men have been given their own contrived body shapes.

Clarkson offered producer a free punch at Hammond

JEREMY Clarkson asked Oisin Tymon to drop his complaint in exchange for punching Richard Hammond as hard as he could.

Builders distraught at Zayn leaving 1D

ZAYN Malik’s core fanbase of men working in the building trade is today in shock.

Souls of the damned sent to Magaluf

A SHORTAGE of places in Hell means that the damned will be made to party in Magaluf for all eternity.

Ask Holly: Do normal 22-year-olds just eat Pot Noodles and catch chlamydia?

YOU need to spend some time with an old person like my granny.

Thomas the Tank Engine like Britain because he constantly f**ks up, says Cameron

THE prime minister has likened the UK to Thomas the Tank Engine, who is alway the direct cause of disaster.

Matching North Face jackets mandatory for couples aged 45 and over

MIDDLE-AGED couples are legally required to wear matching practical jackets to even the most inappropriate occasions, it has been confirmed.

Punk scientists discover fourth chord

LEADING punk scientists have confirmed the existence of a fourth chord.