Brian Sewell's transfer window round-up

NOTHING would have induced me to flee to Manchester, not even £16m.

Russia lines up more non-cute animals to die in space

FOLLOWING the deaths of the geckos on its satellite, Russia is to send more unappealing species on one-way space journeys.

Britons demand hangover consistency

DRINKERS are furious about being unable to predict the severity of their hangovers.

Water voles propose new food chain

ENDANGERED water voles have designed a revised food chain where nothing eats them.

Viewing naked celebrity pictures ‘same as watching the news’

MEN have convinced themselves that looking at naked celebrity pictures is a legitimate part of keeping up with current affairs.

Geese think they are hard

GEESE are inexplicably convinced that they are hard as nails, it has emerged.

Pavements face gridlock

HUGE baby buggies, heavier people and kids on scooters threaten the UK with pedestrian gridlock by 2015.

Graduates doing low-paid jobs in a moody way

UNIVERSITY graduates trapped in low-paid jobs have resolved to do them in a grudging, sour-faced manner.

Pop-reggae thirst quenched for another 20 years

FOLLOWING the summer hit Rude by MAGIC!, music listeners have confirmed they are good for pop-reggae songs until the year 2034.