Other cans think San Pellegrino is an arsehole

ALL other canned drinks regard San Pellegrino as a smug prick with a stupid foil hat, it has emerged.

Getting wasted in tent declared highlight of Glastonbury

THE best thing at Glastonbury was getting smashed in your tent, it has emerged.

English women better at football than English men

ENGLISH men are not as good at playing football as English women, it has been confirmed.

Dad has to admit some of those gays are in good shape

54-YEAR-OLD plumber Tom Booker has grudgingly complimented the physiques of Gay Pride participants.

Wimbledon provides welcome distraction from end of world

WIMBLEDON fortnight has begun amid sunshine and the imminent collapse of everything.

Soft top owners set for three days of year when it's not a total waste of money

BRITAIN'S convertible owners are set to enjoy the 72 hour annual period where they do not feel idiotic for buying it.

Boss believes he’s not a prick outside of work

A MANAGER is under the impression that outside of work he somehow stops being a prick.

Offline social networking service called ‘pub’ launched

A MIDDLE-AGED visionary has launched an offline service called ‘pub’, which allows friends to interact in a building.

Dalai Lama can't wait to pay £12 for Glastonbury cheeseburger

THE Dalai Lama is looking forward to his weekend at the anti-capitalist Glastonbury Festival where organic burgers are just £12.