Dyer wedding to end in formulaic revenge drama

THE wedding of actor Danny Dyer will end with his wife being kidnapped by rival gangsters, it has been confirmed.

Fitness 'a nightmare that never ends'

IF you want to be fit you have to keep doing exercise forever, it has emerged.

Cliff raid inspires f**king awful song

THE police raid on Sir Cliff Richard’s house has inspired him to write yet another mawkish dirge.

Man picks up warm dog shit, seals it in a bag then leaves it in the hedge

A DOG walker has bagged a pile of fresh canine faeces then put it back in almost the same place.

Colour of dress depends on whether you are secretly racist

SOME people see this dress as white and gold because they have hidden racist opinions, it has emerged.

Your dad could still have you in a fight

MODERN men have been warned that their fathers could easily kick the shit out of them.

Harrison Ford: “I'll stop when I've ruined all of my films”

The announcement of a Blade Runner sequel, starring me, has sparked debate about whether it can live up to the original. It won't.

Jihadi John 'used to be a schoolboy'

BRITAIN is recoiling from news that 'Jihadi John' was, from the age of six to 18, a child who attended school.

Miliband unveils massively stupid idea

ED Miliband will take money from pensioners so he can bribe students who are going to vote Labour anyway.