PEOPLE who claim to be perfectionists are just moody bastards, it has emerged.
CHELSEA is the one football club in Europe not presently descending into chaos, it has been confirmed.
KILLER seals are attempting to engage police in pseudo-intellectual cat-and-mouse games.
ANGRY men have told Tesco to remove signs implying toys are for children.
SCOTLAND to tax its millionaires because they could never find anywhere nicer to live.
A FREE meal at a high street restaurant is ample reward for months of relentless poorly-paid toil, according to employees.
THE government has confirmed that you are too busy to eat properly, exercise or enjoy relationships.
FORMER Batman Christian Bale is to play a new self-devised superhero called Megabatman.
THE new anti-terrorism bill will give everyone the choice of being a spy or an enemy of the state.