House spiders must prove they are catching flies

SPIDERS living rent-free in houses must provide evidence that they are actually killing flies.

Old school acquaintance acting like you were friends

A FORMER school classmate is behaving as if you had a much closer relationship than was actually the case.

Fancy burgers not actually that great

FANS of fashionable US-type food have been reminded that it is just meat with cheese on it.

Bono's Death in Venice

I LOVE weddings because I get to look and feel truly gorgeous.

Hong Kong protesters display refreshing lack of dreadlocks

PRO-DEMOCRACY protesters in Hong Kong have been praised for having normal hair and not wearing stupid clown costumes.

Sober October deferred until No-Drink November

DRINKERS who vowed not to touch alcohol for one month have decided to delay the pledge for thirty days or so.

Mark E Smith closing in on escaped Fall member

THE Fall frontman Mark E Smith is close to recapturing an escaped bass guitarist who has been on the run for several days.

Duncan Smith ahead in f**king stupid ideas sweepstake

IAIN Duncan Smith is tipped to win a bet on who can come up with the most idiotic idea at the Tory conference.

Does ‘extremists’ include Russell Brand? asks everyone

BRITAIN will accept diminished civil rights if it means less Russell Brand on the television, it has emerged.