April Fools' pranksters can be murdered before midday

ANYONE perpetrating April Fools' Day pranks can be legally murdered before midday, experts have confirmed.

Only reason to drop litter is that you're a selfish dick, say experts

SCIENTISTS have been unable to identify a single worthwhile reason for dropping litter.

Cameron reminds everyone it’s an election campaign as he unveils massive lie

DAVID Cameron has urged Britain to get into the spirit of the general election instead of accusing him of lying.

Range Rover unveils most depressing vehicle in history

THE very existence of a new £150k Range Rover is enough to make you want to kill yourself, it has been claimed.

Competent cook convinced he is a fancy chef

A MAN has been deceived into thinking he is a professional chef by food websites and celebrity cookbooks.

Everyone crying at films now

BRITAIN needs to get a bloody grip and stop crying every time it watches a film, experts have claimed.

Lots of cake left over at Piers Morgan’s 50th

MOST of the food at Piers Morgan’s 50th birthday party remained uneaten, it has been confirmed.

Air DJing overtakes air guitar

MIMING the hand movements of DJing has finally overtaken air guitar solos.

Cameron and Miliband set out horrible, soul-destroying choice

DAVID Cameron and Ed Miliband have confirmed that one of them is going to be prime minister in a few weeks.