Final section of pre-apocalypse montage filmed at 5pm today

THE final footage for a grainy, event-packed pre-apocalypse montage will be filmed at the Capitol in Washington DC at 5pm today.

Shit-flinging gibbon to become emperor

A SCREECHING, orange, shit-flinging gibbon will be crowned ruler of the free world later today.

We will not think any less of you if you back out now, humanity tells Trump

BILLIONS of humans have reassured Donald Trump that it’s fine if he wants to change his mind about becoming president.

Radio 4 listener to spend whole of Desert Island Discs pretending not to know who Beckham is

A RADIO 4 listener is to feign puzzlement about David Beckham’s identity throughout his appearance on Desert Island Discs.

‘Fake news’ to be delightful and fun

IF FAKE news is going to be spread anyway it should be about lovely, happy, fluffy things, researchers have proved.

Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain leaves the EU, it has emerged.

Barack Obama is President of the United States

BARACK Obama is president of the world’s most powerful country, it has been confirmed.

Man who can't stop talking shite clearly ideal for important negotiations

BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of unfunny xenophobic remarks is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

Southern Rail threatens return to 'full service'

SOUTHERN Rail has ominously announced that its dreaded ‘full service’ is set to resume.