Dad invests in jumper that will see him through last 40 years of his life

A MIDDLE-aged man has purchased the functional sweater he will wear repeatedly until death.

Grandmother prefers iPad to grandchildren

A GRANDMOTHER has revealed she much prefers spending time with her iPad than with her two grandchildren.

EU vote will include option to restart WW2

NEXT year’s EU referendum will offer voters the chance to relaunch the Second World War.

Man who drank water between pints impressed absolutely no-one

A MAN who made a point of drinking water in between each pint of beer did not impress anyone, it has been confirmed.

Brian Sewell's transfer window round-up

Of all the painters with 'van' in their name, the most gifted is unquestionably Van Morrison.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) With the nights starting to draw in, you'll be able to spend more and more time lurking in your neighbour's hedge undetected.

Rest of week written off

BRITAIN has agreed that this week is a total waste of everyone's time.

Credit card company couldn’t just be cool about it

A PETTY credit card company has started asking for repayments after 30 days of being real sports about it.

Corbyn insane not to invade Iraq, says Blair

JEREMY Corbyn’s lack of a plan to invade Iraq would spell disaster for Labour, Tony Blair has claimed.