Paranoia now part of national identity

BRITAIN'S national character now includes the belief that everything is an evil conspiracy.

Git of the Year

IT is quite simple, there is a list of gits and you vote for one.

Inclusive community choir secretly hoping the shit ones will quit

A COMMUNITY choir that welcomes all singing abilities would quite like it if the tuneless ones stopped turning up, it has emerged.

Incredibly depressing time capsule buried

A TIME capsule containing the Ebola virus, a bent iPhone 6 and a UKIP manifesto has been buried as a warning to future humans.

Even UKIP supporters admit Mike Read has always been a dick

MIKE Read has been denounced by UKIP supporters old enough to remember Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

Sweden looking for submarine in G4, G6 and C2

SWEDEN has dropped depth charges in three squares of the Baltic in an attempt to hit a Russian submarine.

Hard kids get their own soft play centre

A SPECIALIST soft play centre for hard evil kids has opened near Swindon.

Medical schools forgot to include dementia, admits BMA

THE British Medical Association has admitted that doctors have not been trained in ‘brain stuff’.

New car as generic as you are

A NEW model of car is as unremarkable as your personality, according to its makers.