Pub forced to serve 15-year-old because age recognition software says he’s 44

AN UNDERAGE boy has been served a pint of beer by his local pub after age recognition software confirmed that he was 44 years old.

Theresa May loses Britain in late-night poker game

THE prime minister has lost British sovereignty to Germany in a game of poker at the European summit in Brussels.

Shots are not a round, say experts

SHOTS do not count as a round of drinks, expert drinkers have agreed.

Vegetarian excited by single choice on restaurant menu

A VEGETARIAN has rejoiced at the one suitable meal offered on a restaurant menu.

Seagull stands on top of bin and proclaims himself king

A SEAGULL has landed at the summit of a litter bin and proclaimed himself the ruler of all he surveys.

We will abolish the monarchy if we hear one kind word about immigrants, says Sun

THE SUN has confirmed that if the Queen dares breathe one compassionate word about immigrants she is fucking gone.

Lib Dems regain position as Britain’s last, desperate choice

THE Liberal Democrats’ second place in the Witney by-election confirmed them as the party Britain turns to when all hope is lost.

Sad, desperate man thinks woman’s body language is flirtatious

A LONELY man believes he has picked up subtle sexual signals from a female colleague’s behaviour.

Most immigrants are escaped Kryptonian prisoners, reveals Daily Mail

TWO-THIRDS of all immigrants were imprisoned on their home planet Krypton before escaping and heading to Britain, the Daily Mail has revealed.