St George’s Cross house is worker's cooperative

THE  Rochester house covered in England flags is a Marxist commune, it has emerged.

Dyson told to invent a toaster that’s not a heap of shit

JAMES Dyson has been told to shut up and invent a toaster that is not a useless bag of piss.

Russian webcam hackers fascinated by dreariness of UK lives

THE Russian hackers who broke into 500 UK webcams are transfixed by the sheer lack of event in British lives.

Tactical voters hopelessly confused

TACTICAL voters no longer have any idea who they are meant to be voting for or who they are trying to keep out, they have admitted.

Nigel Farage outside Downing St jiggling legs impatiently

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has begged the Government to just let him take over now because he is too excited to wait any longer.

Dodgy bastard who sold garage to Myleene Klass goes into hiding

THE shady figure who sold Myleene Klass a Catford garage for £2 million is refusing to discuss the deal.

Man faces pretending to like Ride all over again

A MAN in his thirties has expressed dismay at having to pretend to like 90s shoegaze band Ride for the second time.

Attractive middle class woman does not have cookery book out

A GOOD-LOOKING woman from a nice family has inexplicably failed to produce a cookery book.

Great War 'top conflict brand'

WORLD War One has been declared Britain’s most on-trend conflict thanks to its nice coats and haircuts.