Dumped man wondering if ‘too nice’ might mean something else

A RECENTLY-DUMPED man is not sure why being ‘too nice’ was such a problem.

People who buy pre-sliced fruit ‘not proper humans’

THE gap between those who buy expensive packs of pre-sliced fruit and normal people is wider than previously thought, experts have found.

UKIP steps up search for new bellend

UKIP is to accelerate its leadership election to fill the bellend void left by Nigel Farage.

Banks ‘could be forced to keep all your money’

BANKS are to introduce a policy of keeping all of their customers’ money for themselves, they have announced.

Classic car owner dreaming of soulless, reliable modern car

THE owner of a character-filled 1960s car is desperate for one that is comfortable and does not constantly break down, he has revealed.

Patronising English arseholes wondering why Scotland might want independence

ENGLISH people who keep taking the piss out of Scotland are also baffled as to why the country might want independence.

You'll get bored of all this soon and I’ll still be loaded, says Philip Green

SIR Philip Green has confirmed plans to ignore a few weeks of criticism for his role in the BHS collapse and still be rich at the end of it.

Man’s back-up career as unrealistic as dream career

AN ASPIRING musician has discovered that his fall-back career option of setting up a world-renowned record label is only marginally less impossible.

Friends make sure to get group photo of awful night out

AN AWFUL, depressing evening out has been immortalised in a cheerful group photo.