The Daily Mash | It's news to us

Worker self-destructs career by eating lunch at 11.57am

A MAN has squandered any chance of progressing at work by eating his packed lunch before midday.

We have principles but they’re incredibly weird, say Tory MPs

CONSERVATIVE MPs have confirmed they do have principles they would resign over, but that they are wilfully strange and obscure.

Big fat cat is totally body-confident

AN OVERWEIGHT cat is not at all self-conscious about it, he has confirmed.

I thought I was joining Man City, admits Pogba

PAUL Pogba thought he was joining Man City but didn't want to make a fuss by mentioning it before, it has emerged.

Brexiters struggling to think of anyone they like

FANATICAL Brexit supporters are hard-pressed to think of any group in society they do not hate, they have admitted.

Ken Loach film criticised for lack of dancing chimney sweeps  

CRITICS have questioned why Ken Loach’s latest film has no chirpy dancing cockneys in it.

Government to approve any bullshit that sounds impressive

AFTER approving a third runway at Heathrow, the government has decided to press ahead with any idiotic project that sounds impressive.

Mourinho downgraded to Adequate One

JOSE Mourinho has been reclassified as the Adequate One to reflect with his recent coaching CV.

Tyre fitter used to be fairly well-known rave MC

A GARAGE worker used to be a relatively popular rave MC, he has revealed.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
While you’d consider yourself more a dog person than a cat person, either will do if you’re hungry enough.
Agony Aunt: Dear Holly, I'm being mocked by a pig-molester
Sport
Get Mash Headlines

Dear Holly, I find myself at rather a loose end...

Dear Holly, Suddenly, I find myself at rather a loose end. Any suggestions for filling the time? Yours, Sir John Chilcot
Look what came out of my fanny, says Facebook mum

MOTHERS on Facebook have been sharing pictures of the porky little things that came out of their fannies.
Man pretending exercise regime not about getting laid

A MAN is claiming that his exercise regime is about something other than sex.
Northerner terrorised London by saying hello

A NORTHERN man has left a trail of terror across London by attempting to interact socially with everyone he meets.
London Underground ‘could eventually run during the day’

LONDON Underground could eventually run an uninterrupted service for up to 18 hours a day, it has been claimed.
Offline social networking service called ‘pub’ launched

A MIDDLE-AGED visionary has launched an offline service called ‘pub’, which allows friends to interact in a building.

Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.
Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

“After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”
Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot
Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

Dear Holly,
The other day I got involved in an exchange of words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny to say, but by then it was too late.
Do you think Richard Hammond is single?

I need a man who appreciates that with great beauty and power comes the risk of a fatal car crash.