Usain Bolt not leaving Scotland alive, confirm officials

GLASGOW'S Commonwealth Games officials have confirmed that Usain Bolt is a dead man walking.

Blue cheese survives another picnic

A WEDGE of Stilton has returned fully intact from its fifth picnic of the summer.

Rugby league players consider dodging tackles

PIONEERING rugby league players may break with 119 years of tradition to avoid tackles instead of running straight into them.

Gherkins outside London available for £150,000

THE £640m asking price of London's Gherkin building is far more than Gherkins are fetching outside the capital.

The Mash guide to fracking

IT’S here and it's fine, except that it might render entire counties uninhabitable.

Southampton to play homeopathic football

SOUTHAMPTON are to bid for the Premier League using the concept of homeopathy.

Britons impressed by big percentages

STATISTICALLY illiterate Britons are being shocked and surprised by percentages that only relate to a tiny number of actual things.

Gerard Butler confirmed as Wonder Woman

THE screen role of Wonder Woman has gone to 300 star Gerard Butler.

Road worker sick of being the designated shoveller

HIGHWAYS operative Tom Logan is angry that he always has to use the shovel while his team stands around watching him.