Woodpecker and weasel already talking about having kids

A WOODPECKER and a weasel have moved in together and are ‘excited about starting a family’.

Farage offers to 'vet' every immigrant

UKIP leader Nigel Farage will vet every potential immigrant to Britain, including a full medical.

Enjoyment of film ruined by lurking cursor

A 31-YEAR-MAN has expressed deep frustration at his failure to make the cursor disappear while watching a film on his laptop.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) I'm too good for the likes of you. Write your own horoscope, you bellend.

Housing crisis to be solved by starter forests

BRITAIN’S housing crisis will be solved by people living in forests like Ewoks, David Cameron has announced.

Crime and Punishment reclassified as non-Russian novel

DOSTOYEVSKY'S Crime and Punishment cannot be Russian as the country does not seem interested in either, scholars have agreed.

Tarot cards an excuse to say unpleasant things freely

TAROT readers are only doing it to make character judgments for which they would otherwise be punched, it has emerged.

Hipsters breeding with cockneys

THE influx of hipsters to East London has resulted in a new hybrid species, scientists have announced.