Britons impressed by big percentages

STATISTICALLY illiterate Britons are being shocked and surprised by percentages that only relate to a tiny number of actual things.

Southampton to play homeopathic football

SOUTHAMPTON are to bid for the Premier League using the concept of homeopathy.

Secret Cinema victims treated for lack of perspective

THOUSANDS of middle class people are receiving emergency lack of perspective treatment following the cancellation of Secret Cinema.

Fifty Shades of Grey film was on Channel 5 in the 90s

THE film version of Fifty Shades of Grey was shown by Channel 5 back in 1998, it has emerged.

Drogba returns to Chelsea to die

STRIKER Didier Drogba is dragging himself back to Stamford Bridge to end his days, the club has confirmed.

Desert Island Discs not hypothetical

GUESTS on Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs are actually abandoned on a remote Pacific atoll, the BBC has revealed.

Elderly to get daily ghost pranks

ELDERLY people are to get vital heart exercise from people jumping out of their cupboards dressed as the undead.

Rare records mostly dreadful

SCARCE and highly collectable vinyl records are generally awful, it has emerged.

Britain sleeping in fridge

THE entire population of the UK has moved downstairs to sleep inside the fridge.