Sturgeon unveils manifesto for undiscovered planets

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon has set out her plans for the entire universe.

EU taxpayers okay with not letting people drown

FINDING some room for migrants is preferable to letting them drown, EU taxpayers have stressed.

Key to relationships is dumping the other person first

RELATIONSHIPS are about dumping your partner before they can dump you, it has been claimed.

Miliband: ‘I will deliver for drunk women’

ED Miliband has unveiled a raft of policies aimed at drunk women after high-level talks with a hen party.

Local newsagent has spectacular amount of pornography

A LOCAL newsagent has an astounding array of pornographic magazines, it has emerged.

Young non-voter simply cannot be arsed

A 21-YEAR-OLD student has refused to make any tiresome excuses for not voting.

The McConaissance gives way to the McAge of Enlightenment

THE reinvention of Matthew McConaughey's acting career has entered a period of philosophic upheaval and rational, scientific debate.

Tossers ‘curating’ everything

AN arts twat claims to have curated a cup of tea by adding milk and sugar.

Machine getting sick of carrying Florence

THE machine from Florence + the Machine is getting tired of doing all the work, it has revealed.