Queen to confirm she is immortal

THE Queen will use her annual Christmas message to announce that she will never die.

Families watching traditional girl-on-girl stage shows

THOUSANDS of British families are celebrating Christmas by watching some girl-on-girl action.

Sad, politicised 0p recipes for Christmas

DISMAL festive recipes that you will never make, with the emphasis on low cost, political cant and pervasive gloom.

F**king five-year-old wants f**king iPad for Christmas

A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.

Drunken mob roaming nation looking for carol service

A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.

Cheap oil to create stinking, cancerous, gridlocked utopia

THE plummeting oil price will create a perfect world of traffic jams and a foul-smelling greyish-green fog.

Establishment planning to bring Russell Brand down with sex scandal

THE security services are planning to discredit Russell Brand by having him caught in an affair with a disreputable young woman.

McCoist doomed to be Rangers manager for all eternity

AFTER unsuccessfully resigning, Ally McCoist has admitted that he has no idea how he can stop being Rangers manager.

Woman’s arty gift shop is a shrine to pointlessness

THE proprietor of a shop selling tasteful artisan gifts has realised it is all just so f*cking irrelevant.