White van men confirmed as rightful kings of universe

WHITE van drivers are the fulcrum upon which the world turns, it has been confirmed.

Statutory rights affected

A MAN has forfeited his basic human rights after returning a dented can of baked beans.

Steampunk goggles made available on the NHS

STEAMPUNKS have won their battle for free quasi-Victorian corrective eyewear.

Energy companies getting advert ideas from shamanic drug sessions

SSE’S ape advert was inspired by peyote-fuelled sweat lodge rituals, it has emerged.

Racing driver named Britain’s greatest ever Lewis

LEWIS Hamilton has been recognised as the country’s number one Lewis of all time.

64 per cent of Britons harbouring secret pro-Christmas views

MILLIONS of Britons secretly enjoy Christmas and are actively looking forward to it.

New law to link hackers with stock photos of hackers

POLICE are to get new powers to link computer hacking suspects with the shadowy, menacing figures seen in stock images.

Dodgy bastard who sold garage to Myleene Klass goes into hiding

THE shady figure who sold Myleene Klass a Catford garage for £2 million is refusing to discuss the deal.

Attractive middle class woman does not have cookery book out

A GOOD-LOOKING woman from a nice family has inexplicably failed to produce a cookery book.