The Daily Mash

Phase one complete, Dacre tells home planet

CHIEF Daily Mail space creature Paul Dacre has mind-merged with his martian leader to report that Earth is almost ready for invasion.

Evra gets 24-hour protection from cheeky Scouse wit

PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.

Werewolf!

STAY off the moors, yokels have warned.

Women offered chance to give birth anally

WOMEN in the UK will soon have the option to give birth anally, as part of the NHS reform bill.

The days are getting longer, say cheerful dickheads

PEOPLE who continually insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain, it has emerged.

Pathological self-absorption now mandatory

EVERYONE must place themselves at the centre of the universe immediately, it has been confirmed.

BBC4 named ponciest channel at National TV Awards

BBC4 was last night named Best Channel for Stuck-Up Ponces at the National Television Awards.

Sally Morgan to be represented by disembodied voice of Abraham Lincoln

SALLY Morgan is to sue the Daily Mail with a legal team including Abraham Lincoln, Clarence Darrow and someone who claims to be John Mortimer.

News in Pictures

English opinion on Scotland mostly about monster

Retriever urges dogs to overcome stigma of ticks

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News briefly

Branson talks up sales of Tubular Bells

Billionaire hopes legalised marijuana will empty warehouse filled with unsold copies of Mike Oldfield bong-fest as he outlines plans for chain of Virgin Weed stores across the UK.

Cameron blasts European Court for overturning tabloid judgments

Strasbourg accused of routinely overruling headlines including 'Pure Evil' and 'Shoot This Sick Bitch'.

Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

They must be about seven foot long and one inch wide when she's bending over.

Karen Fenessey

One survivor's week

As a feminist, I find it ludicrous that mumsy types should be given priority in a lifeboat.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Psychic Bob

Aquarius

Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife. And thank you for calling the Benefits Helpline.