Celebrities you like all dying because you’re getting old, say experts

THE recent spate of celebrity deaths is because you, and all the famous people you like, are getting really old, experts have confirmed.

Woman to binge-read six pages of War & Peace

A WOMAN has set aside an entire day to binge-read a single chapter of Tolstoy’s War & Peace.

Look what came out of my fanny, says Facebook mum

MOTHERS on Facebook have been sharing pictures of the porky little things that came out of their fannies.

Normal people to commandeer the nice bits of hipsters' lifestyles

NORMAL people will be able to commandeer the lifestyle of a local hipster, it has been confirmed.

Man is being arbitrarily detained at Argos, UN rules

A MAN who has been waiting for his Argos purchase for more than 15 minutes is being arbitrarily detained in violation of his human rights, the UN has ruled.

Man in great mood can’t tell anyone it’s because he’s scored coke

A MAN in an uncharacteristically buoyant mood is unable to tell his colleagues it is due to having scored two grams of cocaine for the weekend.

Six Nations to fill pubs with higher class of git

THE start of rugby’s Six Nations will see England’s pubs upgrade to a higher class of loud, annoying men.

Facebook ‘Friends Day’ breeds nothing but renewed contempt

FACEBOOK’S celebration of friendship has led to a surge in bitter hatred.

Inflation ‘stable’ if you don’t include stuff that actually matters

INFLATION remains stable as long as you ignore all the things that have gone up enormously, experts have confirmed.