'You moved slightly, so that means we're going for a walk' says ridiculously excited dog

A DOG is absurdly optimistic that his owner shifting slightly on the sofa means a long, exciting walk is imminent.

Baby taunts father with new hair growth

A BABY has been flaunting his rapidly sprouting hair follicles in front of his balding father, it has emerged.

Britons wondering how you go about starting a coup

THE UK is wondering just how one would forcibly remove an unpopular leader with no democratic mandate hell-bent on ruining the country.

25-year-old who says she feels ‘ancient’ told to shut the f**k up

A 25-YEAR-OLD who spent her birthday complaining about being ‘basically middle-aged’ has been advised by older friends to shut the f**k up.

Scots buying cheap booze from England admit they’ll have drunk it all before they get home

BOOZE cruises from Scotland to England will fail because none of the alcohol will make it home, Scots have admitted.

Why is it so hard to buy a flat in a cool area of this incredibly expensive city?

ALL I want are the same things my parents wanted - a good job, a partner and a two-bedroom live/work space in a nice area of the world’s third-richest city.

Greggs' nativity Jesus should have been a steak bake, says archbishop

THE leader of the Church of England has condemned Greggs for using a sausage roll as Jesus in their nativity instead of the higher-value steak bake.

What's the best wine pairing for my current life crisis?

IF YOU’RE having a crisis, don’t just reach for any wine. Read our guide to discover the perfect grape-based alcoholic drink to match your problem.

Man who gets pissed after two pints still claiming he’s ‘allergic’

A MAN who is hammered after two pints still claims it is a ‘medical problem’, friends have confirmed.