A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.
THE security services are planning to discredit Russell Brand by having him caught in an affair with a disreputable young woman.
A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.
THE average life expectancy has increased by six bitter, ignorant years since 1990, researchers have found.
GEOPOLITICAL experts believe that the danger of Russia initiating a third world war within the next few months is scarcely more than one in three.
THE producers of Gogglebox have confirmed that the departing Michael family will be replaced with five hooting gibbons.
AFTER unsuccessfully resigning, Ally McCoist has admitted that he has no idea how he can stop being Rangers manager.
KIM Jong Un has told Hollywood to stick to sexually attractive vampires or he will have everyone killed.
THE proprietor of a shop selling tasteful artisan gifts has realised it is all just so f*cking irrelevant.