Usain Bolt not leaving Scotland alive, confirm officials

GLASGOW'S Commonwealth Games officials have confirmed that Usain Bolt is a dead man walking.

Government weighing up pros and cons of ebola virus

DAVID Cameron has set up a Cabinet committee to decide if ebola is a bad thing.

UK to get referendum on opening Pandora’s box

BRITONS are expected to vote in favour of opening a box containing unspeakable evil.

Blue cheese survives another picnic

A WEDGE of Stilton has returned fully intact from its fifth picnic of the summer.

Rugby league players consider dodging tackles

PIONEERING rugby league players may break with 119 years of tradition to avoid tackles instead of running straight into them.

Gherkins outside London available for £150,000

THE £640m asking price of London's Gherkin building is far more than Gherkins are fetching outside the capital.

The Mash guide to fracking

IT’S here and it's fine, except that it might render entire counties uninhabitable.

Secret Cinema victims treated for lack of perspective

THOUSANDS of middle class people are receiving emergency lack of perspective treatment following the cancellation of Secret Cinema.

Southampton to play homeopathic football

SOUTHAMPTON are to bid for the Premier League using the concept of homeopathy.