Light sleepers told to grow the f**k up

DELICATE little flowers who claim they are woken by the slightest thing have been instructed to get over themselves.

Screwfix introduces dress code

HARDWARE and building supplies retailer Screwfix has introduced a ‘sexy and stylish’ dress code.

Trump's top adviser is little kid who talks bollocks

DONALD Trump’s closest adviser is a small boy who is the biggest bullshitter in his school, it has emerged.

Bathroom spider breaks unspoken agreement to remain in exact same spot

A SPIDER has broken an unspoken agreement to remain in the same highly visible spot in the bathroom.

Dad breaks 10-hour silence to recommend using the M69

A FATHER did not say a word during a 10-hour family visit until telling his daughter to use the M69.

Charities appeal for more annoying bastards to hassle you in the street

THE numbers of incredibly irritating people who are prepared to be 'chuggers' is dangerously low, charities have warned.

Little shits playing music on bus fully aware it is annoying

TEENAGE bastards playing music on a bus are fully aware that it is annoying everyone else, it has emerged.

Typical glass of British tap water now 70 per cent ham

ORDINARY British tap water is now mostly ham, experts have confirmed.

Piss-eyed Tango monster demands everyone say nice things about it

A DESPERATE, blithering fuck-up has demanded the media accurately report how unbelievably fantastic it is.