Lorry drivers' conversations now apocalyptically racist

STRANDED lorry drivers in Kent have broken records for the level of violent racism in their conversations.

Clarkson forced to deliver books and DVDs

JEREMY Clarkson’s new Amazon contract includes an obligation to deliver 300 parcels a month.

Cheaper to commute from Moon than live in London

COMMUTING from the Sea of Tranquility is now cheaper than renting a studio flat in Camden.

Today final deadline for summer romances, warns HMRC

REVENUE & Customs has warned that all summer romances must begin by midnight.

England fans to stay at Edgbaston and get shitfaced

EDGBASTON will stay open until 7pm today so England cricket fans can get mortal.

New theme park exclusively devoted to angrily bollocking children

BOLLOCKINGLAND in Kent is the first theme park just for angry parents who want to publicly tell off their children.

Dunkirk-style mission to leave stranded migrants where they are

A FLOTILLA of brave of volunteers will sail to Calais and then sail back with no migrants on board.

Theatre goers annoyed by man in audience watching 42-inch TV

WEST End theatre goers have complained after a man watched Apocalypse Now on a 42 inch plasma TV during a performance of Harold Pinter’s The Caretaker.

Sniffer dogs ‘being set up as migrant crisis scapegoats’

SNIFFER dogs drafted in to tackle the Channel Tunnel migrant chaos are worried they are being ‘stitched up’ by David Cameron.