Phase one complete, Dacre tells home planet

CHIEF Daily Mail space creature Paul Dacre has mind-merged with his martian leader to report that Earth is almost ready for invasion.

Evra gets 24-hour protection from cheeky Scouse wit
PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.

Werewolf!
STAY off the moors, yokels have warned.

Women offered chance to give birth anally
WOMEN in the UK will soon have the option to give birth anally, as part of the NHS reform bill.
The days are getting longer, say cheerful dickheads
PEOPLE who continually insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain, it has emerged.
Pathological self-absorption now mandatory
EVERYONE must place themselves at the centre of the universe immediately, it has been confirmed.

BBC4 named ponciest channel at National TV Awards
BBC4 was last night named Best Channel for Stuck-Up Ponces at the National Television Awards.

Sally Morgan to be represented by disembodied voice of Abraham Lincoln
SALLY Morgan is to sue the Daily Mail with a legal team including Abraham Lincoln, Clarence Darrow and someone who claims to be John Mortimer.- OK, we'll get jobs, say poor people
- Bernard Manning defrosted
- Obama attacked for not calling Republicans a bunch of dicks
- TFL promises uninterrupted tosspottery
- Occupy record 'may have a rap in it'
- Furious entertainment industry promises year from hell
- Key financial decisions now based on free toy
- Gordon Ramsay's face 'cuts bowel cancer risk'
- Paul Daniels to explain to why he didn't magic his finger back on
- RBS chief to get bonus or legal fees and bonus
- Ban adverts for things that don't always work, say angry people
- Police investigate allegations of reasonable criticism
- Reader offer
- I can destroy you, Moira Stewart tells self-assessment taxpayers










