NO-ONE TO PHONE A RADIO SHOW EVER AGAIN

Image

PEOPLE across Britain last night agreed never to phone a radio show ever again in case Gordon Brown decides to visit them.

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BUT WE LOVE THE MADNESS, BANKERS TELL DARLING

ImageBANKERS have rejected Alistair Darling's plea not to return to the 'madness' that caused the recession, insisting they bloody love it.

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FUN CAUSES CANCER, SAY DOCS

ImageA LIFE of po-faced self-denial and thinking that animals are people can reduce the risk of cancer, doctors have claimed.

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FURIOUS RUSSELL T DAVIES THREATENS TO TURN BBC GAYLIEN

ImageTORCHWOOD creator Russell T Davies has reacted angrily to cuts in the series by threatening to turn the BBC's entire TV output into a same-sex inter-galactic love-in.

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PRINCE CHARMING GIVEN 48 HOURS TO REVIVE MICHAEL JACKSON

ImagePRINCE Charming has been handed a 48-hour deadline to get to the Neverland Ranch and attempt to revive Michael Jackson.
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Mash Radio: MICHAEL SHEEN TO PLAY RED RUM

ImageTONY Blair actor Michael Sheen is to extend his repertoire of real-life characters by playing Red Rum in a BBC mini-series.

 

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Mollie Sugden was still alive


 


Esther Rantzen welcomes
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Features

My Big Gap Year: Pope and Glory

With Poppy Spalding

WEDNESDAY: ROME
This week finds me in the former lava-loving, viaduct-building world dominator: Roma, Italia! It's always been my dream to come to Rome so I can see if all the roads really do lead here. I now fully understand how they do as there are just so many roads, and they literally lead in hundreds of directions.

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News Briefly


New Javelin train arrives one minute early and stinking of piss
"The train was worryingly piss-free when it left Ashford, so it's a huge relief," says spokesman
 
Westminster Abbey to get a new hat
"I'm torn between a sombrero and a fez," admits dean

Bad foreign ladybirds may destroy brave British ladybirds
Experts say British ladybird is too honourable to fight back, although if it did it would easily win.
 

Your stars: Scorpio

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Don't bury your head in the sand in
the hope that you financial problems
disappear, bury the head of your
bank manager instead.

 

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