SAY 'NUTJOB' NOT 'DAILY MAIL READER', SAYS MINISTER

Image

HEALTH professionals should tell patients they are 'nutjobs' rather than 'Daily Mail readers', the public health minister has claimed.

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MUSLIM WOMEN 'MUST DRESS LIKE TOP GEAR PRESENTERS'

ImageBRITISH Muslim women should trade their Burkas for the jeans, blazers and incongruous hair favoured by the hosts of Top Gear, it was claimed last night.

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RETIREMENT PLAN WELCOMED BY DEMENTED, HALF-BLIND 84 YEAR-OLD HEART SURGEON

ImageBRITAIN'S craziest, half-blind, octogenarian heart surgeon was looking forward to returning to work last night after the government abolished retirement.

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MURRAY FIRES RACKET

ImageANDY Murray has announced that he will no longer be using a racket during tennis matches.

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24-HOUR DRINKING WOULD HAVE WORKED IF BRITAIN WASN'T DREADFUL, SAY EXPERTS

ImageBRITAIN'S experiment with 24-hour drinking would have succeeded if the country was not filled to the brim with the worst people in the world, it was claimed last night.

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BRITISH GAS CALLS FOR INCREASE IN STATE PENSION

ImageTHOUSANDS of old people are still dying from hypothermia because the price of gas is too high, British Gas has claimed.

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THE NEWS IN PICTURES



Higgins' death highlights dangers
of playing snooker too quickly


 


Five year-old sues over 'gayboy
pant-pisser' allegations
 

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Children's Corner

Goodfellas Play School
With Jimmy Conway
and Tommy Devito

Once upon a time, two very
naughty
men thought it might
be a good
idea to start shaking
down the
regulars on my rounds.
Long story short,
Tommy and
myself went down
there with
a few friends of ours...


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News Briefly

Superfly's bite turns victims into 1970s black stereotypes
"My bitch better have my money," says retired headmistress Margaret Gerving

It's okay, we'll just drill for loads more oil, says BP
"Is there anywhere in particular you would like us to comprehensively destroy?" asks cheerfully optimistic oil giant

Your stars: scorpio


No matter how irreplaceable
you may think you are, bear
in mind you can always be
substituted by a lookalike
for a third of the cost.
A Welsh lookalike, no less.

 
 
 
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