THE final footage for a grainy, event-packed pre-apocalypse montage will be filmed at the Capitol in Washington DC at 5pm today.
A SCREECHING, orange, shit-flinging gibbon will be crowned ruler of the free world later today.
BILLIONS of humans have reassured Donald Trump that it’s fine if he wants to change his mind about becoming president.
A RADIO 4 listener is to feign puzzlement about David Beckham’s identity throughout his appearance on Desert Island Discs.
IF FAKE news is going to be spread anyway it should be about lovely, happy, fluffy things, researchers have proved.
BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain leaves the EU, it has emerged.
BARACK Obama is president of the world’s most powerful country, it has been confirmed.
BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of unfunny xenophobic remarks is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.
SOUTHERN Rail has ominously announced that its dreaded ‘full service’ is set to resume.