Dad breaks 10-hour silence to recommend using the M69

A FATHER did not say a word during a 10-hour family visit until telling his daughter to use the M69.

Typical glass of British tap water now 70 per cent ham

ORDINARY British tap water is now mostly ham, experts have confirmed.

Romantic massage deeply unpleasant for both parties

A COUPLE who thought giving each other massages would be ‘sexy’ have been left traumatised by the experience.

Piss-eyed Tango monster demands everyone say nice things about it

A DESPERATE, blithering fuck-up has demanded the media accurately report how unbelievably fantastic it is.

Blair to die for our sins

TONY Blair has opened his arms wide and announced his readiness to die for the sins of ignorant Brexit voters.

Daydreaming office worker mutters 'They'll see, they'll all see'

A DAYDREAMING office worker has been caught mouthing ‘They’ll see, oh yes they’ll all see’ to herself.

Hipster coffee shop worker fired for playing Lighthouse Family

A BARISTA at a fashionable urban cafe has been sacked for playing The Lighthouse Family.

Neighbours invited to party on condition they don’t come

A MAN has invited his next-door neighbours to a party he is holding tomorrow night on condition that they do not attend.

Passenger requesting refund taking the absolute piss, says train company

A TRAIN operator cannot believe the fucking nerve of a passenger who is demanding a refund because his train was 90 minutes late.