Dad invests in jumper that will see him through last 40 years of his life

A MIDDLE-aged man has purchased the functional sweater he will wear repeatedly until death.

EU vote will include option to restart WW2

NEXT year’s EU referendum will offer voters the chance to relaunch the Second World War.

Man who drank water between pints impressed absolutely no-one

A MAN who made a point of drinking water in between each pint of beer did not impress anyone, it has been confirmed.

Rest of week written off

BRITAIN has agreed that this week is a total waste of everyone's time.

Heart-rending tale of human suffering prompts man to unsubscribe

THE FATE of Syrian families forced to leave their homes has persuaded a man to opt out of further emails.

Corbyn insane not to invade Iraq, says Blair

JEREMY Corbyn’s lack of a plan to invade Iraq would spell disaster for Labour, Tony Blair has claimed.

Farage pledges traditionally xenophobic EU campaign

UKIP’S EU referendum campaign will feature proper British xenophobia and classic, ad-libbed racism, Nigel Farage has promised.

Man celebrates pathetic little pay rise by switching to ‘premium’ fuel

A MAN has spent some of his two percent pay rise on some slightly better quality petrol.

Edinburgh residents told it’s safe to return

EDINBURGH residents have been told they can return safely to the city without being performed at.