Edinburgh residents told it’s safe to return

EDINBURGH residents have been told they can return safely to the city without being performed at.

Lying bastard phone said it had 12 percent battery left

A LYING bastard of a phone claimed it had at least 12 percent battery life left before dying two minutes later.

Business goes under as entire staff masters art of looking busy

A COMPANY has gone bankrupt after every member of staff perfected the art of looking like they were actually working.

Leicester named 2016 City of No Culture

LEICESTER has been named as next year’s UK anti-arts city.

Sexual tension between male cyclists and taxi drivers reaching unbearable levels

TAXI drivers and men on bikes are almost at the point where they will stop disguising their lust as loathing.

New app to help you find daytime drinking buddies

A NEW Tinder-style phone app is helping people find compatible daytime drinking partners.

Corbyn would make a terrible Bond, says Pierce Brosnan

A FORMER 007 has claimed that Jeremy Corbyn does not have what it takes to fight the evil forces of SMERSH.

Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

I'm in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

Smiths know deep down they will eventually reform

INDIE legends The Smiths have admitted they will eventually play a series of hate-filled reunion gigs.