MARIO Balotelli has assured the Liverpool management that he has all the equipment he needs.
OUTRAGED music fans say high prices at Reading are making it impossible to shower acts in urine.
A 21 year-old woman has managed to link every event of the last week to her backpacking trip to Thailand.
THE Army is kicking in doors across Britain today in the search for extreme vacuum cleaners.
NIGEL Farage has confirmed UKIP's general election manifesto will be printed as an optical illusion.
NON-RESIDENTS of Notting Hill are looking forward to this year’s chance to destroy the affluent London borough with impunity.
RICHARD Dawkins has taken to walking down the street saying horrible, unprovoked things to total strangers.
THE middle class shoppers who switched to budget supermarkets have wondered if they can switch back soon.
THE omnipotent John Lewis has descended from the heavens to stop customers taking the piss with free cakes.