The Daily Mash | It's news to us

I thought I was joining Man City, admits Pogba

PAUL Pogba thought he was joining Man City but didn't want to make a fuss by mentioning it before, it has emerged.

Tyre fitter used to be fairly well-known rave MC

A GARAGE worker used to be a relatively popular rave MC, he has revealed.

Man who is quite good at guitar thinks he’s amazing

A MAN who is competent on the guitar thinks he is unbelievable, it has emerged.

Calais migrants relocated to UK’s fevered imagination

THOUSANDS of migrants from the Calais 'Jungle' camp have been relocated into the minds of paranoid Britons.

Gamer preferred Lara Croft with fewer polygons

A VETERAN gamer has admitted he found Lara Croft sexier when she only had 250 polygons.

Mother politely asked to breastfeed in skip

A MOTHER breastfeeding in a shop was politely asked to go and do it in a nearby skip instead.

Woman shunned by friends for liking aerobics

A WOMAN who enjoys exercise without any spiritualism or bullshit attached is being ignored by her friends.

Man’s luxury watch successfully impresses fellow twats

A MAN’S ludicrously expensive wristwatch has gained him the respect of other total bellends, he has revealed.

Gary Neville refusing to come down from Old Trafford roof 

GARY Neville has been sat on the roof of Old Trafford since midnight, police have confirmed.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
While you’d consider yourself more a dog person than a cat person, either will do if you’re hungry enough.
Agony Aunt: Dear Holly, I'm being mocked by a pig-molester
Sport
Get Mash Headlines

Dear Holly, I find myself at rather a loose end...

Dear Holly, Suddenly, I find myself at rather a loose end. Any suggestions for filling the time? Yours, Sir John Chilcot
Look what came out of my fanny, says Facebook mum

MOTHERS on Facebook have been sharing pictures of the porky little things that came out of their fannies.
Man pretending exercise regime not about getting laid

A MAN is claiming that his exercise regime is about something other than sex.
Northerner terrorised London by saying hello

A NORTHERN man has left a trail of terror across London by attempting to interact socially with everyone he meets.
London Underground ‘could eventually run during the day’

LONDON Underground could eventually run an uninterrupted service for up to 18 hours a day, it has been claimed.
Offline social networking service called ‘pub’ launched

A MIDDLE-AGED visionary has launched an offline service called ‘pub’, which allows friends to interact in a building.

Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.
Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

“After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”
Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot
Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

Dear Holly,
The other day I got involved in an exchange of words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny to say, but by then it was too late.
Do you think Richard Hammond is single?

I need a man who appreciates that with great beauty and power comes the risk of a fatal car crash.