‘Okay, what the Jesus f**king balls is going on?' asks Britain

EVERYBODY in the UK would like to know precisely what the actual fuck, it has been confirmed.

Referendum was marketing gimmick for Independence Day sequel

THE EU referendum was a marketing gimmick for a big-budget American science fiction film, it has emerged.

Stress turning Osborne into Rowan Atkinson

GEORGE Osborne is being turned into Rowan Atkinson by the stress of Brexit, it has been confirmed.

Britons slam government for letting them vote

MILLIONS of Britons are furious that they were allowed to vote on leaving the EU, they have announced.

Londoners now convinced rural England is basically 'Deliverance'

PRO-EU voters in London now believe the country’s rural communities are filled with utterly terrifying rednecks.

EU ‘massively impressed’ by the way Britain’s handling this

THE European Union has praised Britain for the calm, efficient way it has dealt with the aftermath of the referendum.

Sharp drop in number of old ladies being helped across the road

THE number of old ladies being helped to cross British streets has plummeted since Friday.

Someone talks about something else

SOMEONE has briefly changed the subject, it has been confirmed.

Glastonbury to be held in large gymnasium from now on

MUD-COVERED Glastonbury wretches have agreed it is best if the festival is held in a big sports hall from now on.