Pitt and Jolie finally end their sex life

ANGELINA Jolie and Brad Pitt have confirmed that their sex life is over and done by announcing their marriage.

‘Piss off, you hipster git’ says Mary Berry

BRITAIN cheered last night as Mary Berry told a hipster to get the hell off her television programme.

Surfing has too many rich kids, says Cameron

THE prime minister has complained that Cornish surfing is dominated by a clique of wealthy public schoolboys.

UKIP voters say Carswell is way too normal

UKIP voters have insisted they did not sign up for a party that was going to include politicians who could almost pass for normal.

Wenger lifts calcium ban

ARSENE Wenger has reluctantly re-introduced calcium to his team's diet after Olivier Giroud broke a tibia.

Privacy experts too paranoid even for lunch

The UK’s foremost authorities on privacy law have refused to confirm their availability for a working lunch next Friday.

The Shard turned into a charity shop

LONDON’S tallest building has become Europe’s biggest branch of Cancer Research.

Hello Kitty ‘the nightmarish result of an immoral genetic experiment’

HELLO Kitty is a vengeful cat-human hybrid that feeds on livers, it has been confirmed.

Paid work is a poor career choice, say employers

WORKERS who demand to be paid are missing out on valuable opportunities to showcase themselves and add to their CVs, it has been claimed.