HOUSES are now worth so much they do not want people living in them and lowering their tone, they have announced.
GIRAFFES have confirmed that they are fuelled by hate and plan to exterminate the human race.
A CAT has realised that it can beat up any other cat by cutting out the preliminary staring.
THIS whole Jeremy Corbyn thing is really happening, it has emerged.
A WOMAN unknowingly married Ant and Dec in a polygamous wedding ceremony in Newcastle.
A LINCOLN man has visited London to see the locations where all his favourite news bulletins are shot.
TESCO’S new automated till has the character of a divorced middle-aged woman with a borderline drink problem.
THE BBC has unveiled this year’s Bake Off hipster, who will meet with a terrible fate.
A 46-YEAR-OLD man is still plagued by a rumour from his school days that he French-kissed a rabbit.