Hipsters breeding with cockneys

THE influx of hipsters to East London has resulted in a new hybrid species, scientists have announced.

Human penises all either massive or tiny, confirm scientists

MEN’S penises are either porn-style monstrosities or minuscule sources of amusement, it has emerged.

Britain appoints new lowest common denominator

A 42-YEAR-OLD man has been named as the UK's new lowest common denominator.

Paris mass grave contains tourists who were unable to get served

A MASS grave beneath Paris contains the bones of foreigners who starved while attempting to summon a waiter, it has emerged.

Fitness 'a nightmare that never ends'

IF you want to be fit you have to keep doing exercise forever, it has emerged.

Colour of dress depends on whether you are secretly racist

SOME people see this dress as white and gold because they have hidden racist opinions, it has emerged.

Man picks up warm dog shit, seals it in a bag then leaves it in the hedge

A DOG walker has bagged a pile of fresh canine faeces then put it back in almost the same place.

Dyer wedding to end in formulaic revenge drama

THE wedding of actor Danny Dyer will end with his wife being kidnapped by rival gangsters, it has been confirmed.

Cliff raid inspires f**king awful song

THE police raid on Sir Cliff Richard’s house has inspired him to write yet another mawkish dirge.