The Daily Mash | It's news to us

F**k this shit I’m outta here, says Mary Berry

MARY Berry has quit The Great British Bake-Off because of all the bullshit going down.

Eastenders to show Ian Beale discovering old episodes of Eastenders on UK Gold

EASTENDERS is to surprise viewers with a storyline where Ian Beale watches old episodes of the show on UK Gold and questions the nature of reality.

Man passionate about saying he’s a socialist

A 45-YEAR-OLD old man is deeply committed to saying he is a socialist.

Brexiter never going to be truly happy

A BREXIT voter will not be happy even if leaving Europe works out, because of her bad personality.

‘I really enjoyed that,’ says Jeremy Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has told friends that he really enjoyed his second leadership contest in 12 months and suggested they do one every year.

Windows 10 condemned by Amnesty International

WINDOWS 10 has been condemned by Amnesty International as cruel and inhumane.

First date goes well after nobody tells an ounce of truth

WAYNE Hayes had his best first date ever after completely concealing the majority of his personality, he confirmed.

Man unaware he was an alcoholic until doing a questionnaire

A MAN has found out in the nick of time that he is chronically addicted to alcohol after doing a questionnaire on a website.

It’s a shame for the kids, says everyone lapping up the juicy details

PEOPLE relishing the ‘Brangelina’ divorce have confirmed that it is indeed a shame for the kids.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
While you’d consider yourself more a dog person than a cat person, either will do if you’re hungry enough.
Agony Aunt: Dear Holly, I'm being mocked by a pig-molester
Sport
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Dear Holly, I find myself at rather a loose end...

Dear Holly, Suddenly, I find myself at rather a loose end. Any suggestions for filling the time? Yours, Sir John Chilcot
Look what came out of my fanny, says Facebook mum

MOTHERS on Facebook have been sharing pictures of the porky little things that came out of their fannies.
Man pretending exercise regime not about getting laid

A MAN is claiming that his exercise regime is about something other than sex.
Northerner terrorised London by saying hello

A NORTHERN man has left a trail of terror across London by attempting to interact socially with everyone he meets.
London Underground ‘could eventually run during the day’

LONDON Underground could eventually run an uninterrupted service for up to 18 hours a day, it has been claimed.
Offline social networking service called ‘pub’ launched

A MIDDLE-AGED visionary has launched an offline service called ‘pub’, which allows friends to interact in a building.

Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.
Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

“After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”
Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot
Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

Dear Holly,
The other day I got involved in an exchange of words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny to say, but by then it was too late.
Do you think Richard Hammond is single?

I need a man who appreciates that with great beauty and power comes the risk of a fatal car crash.