Dawkins now just telling random strangers why he hates them

RICHARD Dawkins has taken to walking down the street saying horrible, unprovoked things to total strangers.

Middle classes ask if they can stop shopping at Aldi now

THE middle class shoppers who switched to budget supermarkets have wondered if they can switch back soon.

John Lewis like a wrathful god

THE omnipotent John Lewis has descended from the heavens to stop customers taking the piss with free cakes.

Chris Martin’s dad a bit too keen on Jennifer Lawrence

THE father of Coldplay’s Chris Martin keeps asking when he’s going to bring his new girlfriend home.

Arsenal blames fatigue as season stretches into third game

ARSENAL’S poor performance against Besiktas has been blamed on the rigours of playing football for nearly a fortnight.

Single people forced to join families

UNMARRIED people are to be forced into strangers' family homes as long-lost aunts or uncles, the government has announced.

Swans to replace Trident

AGGRESSIVE swans like those terrorising tourists on the river Cam are to replace Britain’s nuclear arsenal.

Food good for you

REGULARLY eating food protects against death, it has emerged.

All female characters now ludicrously hard

EVERY female character in TV and film is now exceptionally determined and hard as nails.