Over my dead f**king body, says Queen

CHARLES will become king when I am cold in the ground and not a minute earlier, the Queen has confirmed.

Teenager too talented to go to university

A TEENAGER is so talented that going to university would be a waste of time for him, he has announced.

Robot definitely going to kill all humans once it gets the hang of stairs

A ROBOT has confirmed plans to destroy humanity once it can walk up stairs without falling over.

Bannon calls White House to ask if he left sack of wild snakes there

STEVE Bannon called the White House to see if anyone has found a sack containing wild snakes, it has been confirmed.

Davis brings cake to EU meeting and insists he wants to eat it then somehow take it home

DAVID Davis has turned up to latest round of EU negotiations with a cake that he says he wants to eat but then still have afterwards.

90 per cent of people want to post 'so?' under everyone's status updates

MOST people just want to write 'so?’ underneath every status update they see on Facebook, it has been confirmed.

Hawking discovers new super-dense black hole

PROFESSOR Stephen Hawking has discovered the densest thing in the known universe.

So-called 'child genius' doesn't even know what 'chinny reckon' means

A CHILD that is meant to be clever has no idea about the basics of the playground English, it has emerged.