Edinburgh residents told it’s safe to return

EDINBURGH residents have been told they can return safely to the city without being performed at.

Lying bastard phone said it had 12 percent battery left

A LYING bastard of a phone claimed it had at least 12 percent battery life left before dying two minutes later.

Sexual tension between male cyclists and taxi drivers reaching unbearable levels

TAXI drivers and men on bikes are almost at the point where they will stop disguising their lust as loathing.

New app to help you find daytime drinking buddies

A NEW Tinder-style phone app is helping people find compatible daytime drinking partners.

Business goes under as entire staff masters art of looking busy

A COMPANY has gone bankrupt after every member of staff perfected the art of looking like they were actually working.

Search for roast lunch enters third county

A COUPLE'S quest to find a pub serving Sunday roasts has entered its third county without success.

Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

I'm in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

Boss ends conference call by reminding employees that, ultimately, nothing matters

A CHIEF executive has told his employees not to sweat the small stuff as the universe is indifferent to quarterly sales figures.

Leicester named 2016 City of No Culture

LEICESTER has been named as next year’s UK anti-arts city.