Towns with best 'quality of life' all sound shit

THE UK towns with the best 'quality of life' all sound like stuck-up smugholes with a 'green' and an expensive butcher, Britain has agreed.

May gives up eating live mice for Lent

PRIME minster Theresa May is observing Lent by giving up her daily snack of six live mice.

Farage says Carswell has 'never really let the hate flow through him'

NIGEL Farage has accused UKIP MP Douglas Carswell of betraying the party ‘by not letting the hate flow through him’.

Dog can’t wait for owners to come home and see what he’s done with the place

A PET dog cannot wait for his owners to come back so they can see how he has remodelled the house.

President of United States wildly applauded for getting through whole speech without massive f**k up

THE President of the United States has managed to get through an entire speech without saying anything explicitly dangerous or obviously insane. 

Man claims his life being ruined by immigration but can't explain how

A MAN who feels immigration is negatively affecting his life cannot give a single concrete example of how, he has revealed.

Londoner fascinated to hear about life in ‘the regions’

A LONDONER is desperate to hear more about the provinces after learning of ‘life forms beyond the M25’.

Manchester United forgot to take EFL trophy home

MANCHESTER United’s players have realised they forgot to take the EFL trophy home from Wembley, even though it is so important to them.

Sex education to be compulsory for people who are particularly bad at sex

THE government is to make sex education compulsory for all UK citizens who are terrible at sex, it has confirmed.