You should hear me when I stub my f**king toe, says Kim Sears

ANDY Murray's fiancee has dismissed her expletive-filled tirade against his Australian Open semi-final opponent as nothing compared to when she steps in catshit.

Midlands earthquake leaves trail of pound shops and coffee chains

AN earthquake centred in Rutland has left Midlands towns a bleak, devastated, landscape of nothing but Poundstretchers and Costa Coffees.

Millions of Britons making extra money as mucus factories

ACROSS the UK, millions of people are earning second incomes by turning their bodies into 24-hour mucus production facilities.

Waitrose totally freaks out

CLASSY supermarket Waitrose has completely lost it after everyone took the piss with its free hot drinks.

Cat returns from dead in heartwarming spine-chilling story

A CAT has clawed its way out of a shallow grave and returned home to terrify its delighted owner.

School overrated

GOING to school is largely a waste of time, according to experts.

Crowdfunding site launched for people who just want some recreational drugs

A NEW crowdfunding website has been launched to help people who want free money for drugs.

Spammer’s heart just not in it anymore

AN idealistic young spammer has become increasingly disillusioned with his profession.

Desperate media offers to go halfsies on any transfer fee

INCREASINGLY panicky sports editors have offered to stump up half the cost of any January football transfer deal.