Davis tells room full of people who can speak German that they'd all be speaking German if it wasn't for us


DAVID Davis has told a room full of people who can speak German that if it was not for Britain they would all be speaking German.

Britain in record breaking four-day summer

AS SUMMER in Britain comes to an end, experts confirmed the four days of consecutive sunshine was a new record.

Glastonbury coverage welcomed by Britain's top letches

OLD men who dislike pop music but enjoy lusting after young women have welcomed blanket coverage of Glastonbury.

Royal family’s benefits withdrawn

THE Royal family has had its benefits sanctioned after Prince Harry admitted none of them wants the top job.

Parenting 'a doddle', confirms aunt who has been babysitting for half an hour

CHILDREN are a lot easier to look after than everyone makes out, according to an aunt who has completed a trouble-free 30 minutes.

Middle class ‘Day of Rage’ focused on poor quality of supermarket tomatoes

MIDDLE class people have spent a ‘Day of Rage’ protesting about IKEA, supermarket tomatoes and the quality of their workplace coffee.

Dear Holly, I can't be arsed being royal anymore

Dear Holly, I've decided I can't be arsed being royal anymore. I'd much rather live life as a lowly pleb in a tiny house with a rubbish car and a dreadful job. Harry, Windsor

May unable to do deal at Tesco checkout

THE prime minister has caused chaos at a Tesco checkout after being unable to do a deal where she handed over money for goods.

Queen’s Speech ends with ‘f**k this’

THE Queen’s Speech has ended abruptly with the words ‘fuck this,’ spoken halfway through a sentence, before the monarch wandered off.