DNA project to find out why Britain is so full of arseholes

SCIENTISTS are to map the DNA of everyone in Britain in a bid to find out why so many of you are dreadful.

Gatwick employs extra surly layabouts

GATWICK has doubled its staff of surly baggage-flingers.

Amazon killing off family-run penis pill makers

TRADITIONAL village penis pill retailers are facing closure as customers desert them for online competitors.

Burning Man festival being explained in a patronising manner

PEOPLE who go to Burning Man festival have been explaining what it is in a slightly condescending tone.

Millions forced into fantasy football

WORKERS are being coerced into joining complex and tedious fantasy football games.

Exciting new technology nowhere near ready

AN exciting new piece of technology is nowhere near ready and will never come into widespread use.

Kids switch from pirates to hitmen

CHILDREN have moved on from their love for pirates to a fascination with hired killers.

Scholes to be voiced by Julie Walters

SOFTLY-SPOKEN Paul Scholes will be voiced by Julie Walters when he appears as a pundit on BT Sport.