THE problem of truancy has been solved by making it into a qualification.
BRITONS have expressed shock that a US politician killed a goat and drank its blood without also shagging it.
ORDINARY people trying to fight each other don’t look cool like in films, it has been confirmed.
THE BBC has revealed The Great British Bake Off is an 'enormously dangerous', population-wide experiment.
MIDDLE England has admitted the Tories are the baddies in a film, just like those lefties always claimed.
SOMEONE is writing a Guardian article about how leaving London to live in Bristol is like fleeing Syria, it has been confirmed.
A MARKETING manager is staying in the office until 7pm every night to imagine the illicit thrill of having an affair.
AN IPHONE 6S has told its owner to be strong and carry on after its shitty battery gave out.
WAYNE Rooney has inspired millions of young Britons to phone it in while gorging on sticky buns.