Racing driver named Britain’s greatest ever Lewis

LEWIS Hamilton has been recognised as the country’s number one Lewis of all time.

Steampunk goggles made available on the NHS

STEAMPUNKS have won their battle for free quasi-Victorian corrective eyewear.

64 per cent of Britons harbouring secret pro-Christmas views

MILLIONS of Britons secretly enjoy Christmas and are actively looking forward to it.

Dodgy bastard who sold garage to Myleene Klass goes into hiding

THE shady figure who sold Myleene Klass a Catford garage for £2 million is refusing to discuss the deal.

St George’s Cross house is workers' cooperative

THE  Rochester house covered in England flags is a Marxist commune, it has emerged.

Dyson told to invent a toaster that’s not a heap of shit

JAMES Dyson has been told to shut up and invent a toaster that is not a useless bag of piss.

Man faces pretending to like Ride all over again

A MAN in his thirties has expressed dismay at having to pretend to like 90s shoegaze band Ride for the second time.

Dave Whelan invites Jewish friends over for sweet and sour pork

WIGAN Athletic owner Dave Whelan is to reach out to his many Jewish friends with a lavish pork banquet.

Attractive middle class woman does not have cookery book out

A GOOD-LOOKING woman from a nice family has inexplicably failed to produce a cookery book.