High-earning houses ban humans from living in them

HOUSES are now worth so much they do not want people living in them and lowering their tone, they have announced.

It’s you or us, say giraffes

GIRAFFES have confirmed that they are fuelled by hate and plan to exterminate the human race.

Cat wins every fight by just getting in there instead of staring for ages

A CAT has realised that it can beat up any other cat by cutting out the preliminary staring.

Corbyn thing actually happening

THIS whole Jeremy Corbyn thing is really happening, it has emerged.

Woman marries Ant and Dec

A WOMAN unknowingly married Ant and Dec in a polygamous wedding ceremony in Newcastle.

Man visits place where all the news is from

A LINCOLN man has visited London to see the locations where all his favourite news bulletins are shot.

New laid-back automated checkout doesn’t give a shit what’s in the bagging area

TESCO’S new automated till has the character of a divorced middle-aged woman with a borderline drink problem.

Bake Off unveils sacrificial hipster

THE BBC has unveiled this year’s Bake Off hipster, who will meet with a terrible fate.

Middle-aged man still dogged by school rumour about getting off with a rabbit

A 46-YEAR-OLD man is still plagued by a rumour from his school days that he French-kissed a rabbit.