Divorced man with Union Jack mug looking around empty flat

A MAN who opened divorce proceedings against his wife yesterday is looking around his bare flat wondering why he feels no different.

Man hates environment because liberals quite like it

A MAN is opposed to protecting the environment because upsetting 'liberals' gives him a feeling of satisfaction, he has revealed.

Train woman pulling that bag on seat shit

A PASSENGER on a busy train is acting like her bags are not on the seat next to her.

I have no idea what I have just done

AS prime minister and leader of your country, I have just done something which will have consequences completely unknown to me.

New record sees woman make it to 9.05am before hearing word 'Brexit'

A WOMAN set a new record today by not hearing anyone say ‘Brexit’ for almost two hours after waking.

You could have just emailed, says EU

EU LEADERS are puzzled about why Britain wrote them a letter in the age of electronic communication.

Scotland wants independence too, but in a bad way

SCOTLAND wants independence in a way that is nationalistic rather than patriotic, according to the government.

Arseholed Nick Clegg screams filth at a pigeon

AN incredibly drunk Nick Clegg has been swearing violently at a pigeon in central London.

Attempt to befriend office loner reveals why he is a loner

A GOOD-HEARTED attempted to befriend a widely ignored co-worker has backfired, it has emerged.