The Daily Mash

Capello convicted of tax evasion

TOTTENHAM Hotspur manager Fabio Capello has been convicted of tax evasion relating to payments made when he was manager of Portsmouth FC.

A TEACHER has been suspended after using her Facebook Timeline to expose pupils to the minutiae of her Guardian reading habits.

BRITAIN'S only hope for surviving the arctic conditions rests in weather-proof structures known as 'buildings', experts have claimed.

PLANS to dilute alcoholic drinks have won the enthusiastic support of Britain's heroin kingpins.

AFTER a near perfect performance at the Super Bowl on Sunday, Madonna has been unveiled as the new brand ambassador for feminine leakage pads.

TOUGH new policies on workplace fun will make enjoyment of group activities non-negotiable, it has emerged.

BRITAIN will pay tribute to the Queen by standing outside her house and bombarding her with music she finds ghastly.

SCIENTISTS have been asked to confirm that they definitely said they could make brainguns and if so, when.

'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises

Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes

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News Briefly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.

Your problems solved

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.