Dubai unveils Twatopolis

A MASSIVE dome full of the horrible things that twats like is to be built in Dubai.

Criticising schools ‘vital’ to shit parenting

CONSTANTLY criticising your child’s school is a vital part of being a shit parent, it has been claimed.

Public warned not to acknowledge festival wristbands

PEOPLE wearing expired festival wristbands are a limitless source of tiresome drug anecdotes, it has been claimed.

Military defeat by Britain key to World Cup success

BEING beaten by Britain in a military conflict is the secret to winning the World Cup, it has been claimed.

Glass exists, admit flies

FLIES have admitted the universe contains a substance which light can pass through but they cannot.

Celebrities avoided giving cash to Tories

MILLIONAIRES who tried to avoid donating to the Conservative party are to be hit with punitive tax bills.

Most chimp gestures taking piss out of David Attenborough

CHIMP researchers have discovered a lexicon of 66 gestures, 54 of which are jokes at the expense of Sir David Attenborough.

Porn and Amazon, experts tell government

GOVERNMENT agencies have been advised that 98% of internet traffic is breasts and shopping.

Caligula's Commonwealth Games

I, CALIGULA, have been the mastermind behind the Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth Games!