Labour pledges new way of treating Scotland with utter contempt

THE Labour party has pledged to renew its unbridled contempt for Scottish voters.

Parents delighted as son’s creative dreams die

THE parents of 25-year-old Nathan Muir are celebrating their son’s decision to abandon his band for a job in a bank.

Gerrard to take Liverpool fans with him

STEVEN Gerrard has told Liverpool FC he plans to leave the club and take its fanbase of 71 million with him.

High-earning bastard sick of everyone presuming he has good side

A SUCCESSFUL City banker has asked everyone to stop suggesting he secretly has a heart of gold.

McDonald’s unveils ‘at least it’s not a f**king gourmet burger’ slogan

BURGER chain McDonald’s has a new slogan emphasising that at least its product is unpretentious.

Next person who says they are ‘loving’ something to get punched in the face

THE next individual to describe themselves as ‘loving’ this or that can be punched squarely in the face, the government has confirmed.

Single man’s housework routine is applying to Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners

43-YEAR-OLD Tom Booker’s cleaning regime is repeatedly applying to a TV series where strangers come and sort it out.

Wenger 'did not see station'

PLANS to make Arsene Wenger the voice of the London Underground have foundered after he failed to get a clear view of a single stop.

Villages’ quirky Halloween celebrations also involve human sacrifice

RURAL villages that mark Halloween with funny old-fashioned ceremonies always kill someone at the end, it has emerged.