Capello convicted of tax evasion

TOTTENHAM Hotspur manager Fabio Capello has been convicted of tax evasion relating to payments made when he was manager of Portsmouth FC.

Guardian-reading teacher suspended for tedious Facebook timeline

A TEACHER has been suspended after using her Facebook Timeline to expose pupils to the minutiae of her Guardian reading habits.

'Buildings' only hope against cold

BRITAIN'S only hope for surviving the arctic conditions rests in weather-proof structures known as 'buildings', experts have claimed.

Drug lords back watered-down booze

PLANS to dilute alcoholic drinks have won the enthusiastic support of Britain's heroin kingpins.

Madonna becomes new face of Tena Lady

AFTER a near perfect performance at the Super Bowl on Sunday, Madonna has been unveiled as the new brand ambassador for feminine leakage pads.

Refusing to have fun now a sackable offence

TOUGH new policies on workplace fun will make enjoyment of group activities non-negotiable, it has emerged.

Queen to be bombarded with lower middle class music

BRITAIN will pay tribute to the Queen by standing outside her house and bombarding her with music she finds ghastly.

"Sorry, did you say 'mind-weapons'?” everyone asks Royal Society

SCIENTISTS have been asked to confirm that they definitely said they could make brainguns and if so, when.

News in Pictures


'You’re right! She is fat!' Britain suddenly realises


Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes


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News Briefly

Britain urged to temporarily give a shit about the elderly

Age UK launches annual 'Go on, Just While It's Nippy' campaign.

Argentina still betting Cameron's not gagging for a war

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.
Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius

Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is 'I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again'.
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