Good-looking people come out of hibernation

SUNSHINE has brought Britain's attractive people out of the chrysalis-like pods where they spend most of the year.

Everyone either on holiday or pissed off

BRITONS are currently either away or brimming with resentment, it has emerged.

Mad Men to conclude with creation of Um Bongo ad

THE NEW series of Mad Men climaxes with the writing and recording of the Um Bongo advert.

Massive rats just want to get on your face at night

BRITAIN'S 2ft super-rats have said they only want to scrabble about on your sleeping body.

Red moon turns US communist

AMERICA has become a communist country following the appearance of a red moon.

Nuclear strike on Coachella festival 'not a bad idea'

WORLD leaders are considering a nuclear missile attack on Calfornia's Coachella festival.

People who like their weekends oppose all forms of marriage

BRITONS who prefer weekends without expensive social obligations have opposed gay and straight marriage.

William only meant that shawl was dreadful

PRINCE William only asked a New Zealand woman to make another baby shawl because the first one was so shit.

Sharing overrated

TAPAS-TYPE meals are proof that the concept of sharing is overrated, it has been claimed.