Woman in bestial shopping frenzy pauses briefly to enjoy moment

A BLACK Friday shopper has stopped hitting a pensioner in the face so she can take in the atmosphere.

Vinyl enthusiasts asked why they don’t just f**king marry it

MEN who love vinyl records have been told to just f**king marry them and live happily ever after.

Couple in huff can’t remember each other’s names

A MARRIED couple who have not spoken since 1994 have no idea what they are called, their children confirmed.

Nothing ruled out including war, says Cameron

THE prime minister has promised he has ruled nothing out in negotiations with the EU, including a decade-long transcontinental war.

Bristol fog smells suspiciously of skunk

THE ‘fog’ currently enveloping Bristol has a strong aroma of cannabis, it has been claimed.

UKIP demands vetting of cathedral architects

CATHEDRAL architects must be vetted so they do not design buildings that look Turkish, UKIP has demanded.

Man still hoping he can turn life around before Christmas dinner

AN unemployed, single and homeless man is racing against time to sort his life out before seeing his relatives for Christmas.

Everything to be given to Richard Branson

ALL remaining public assets are to be transferred to Richard Branson to see what he does with them.

Actually we are a bit plebby, admit policemen

POLICEMEN have admitted they enjoy Typhoo tea, the comedian Jethro and Sweet & Spicy Pot Noodles.