We are cruising at 36,000ft and I hate these bastards even more than you do, announces Ryanair pilot

THE pilot of a Ryanair flight has announced that the plane is cruising at 36,000ft, that skies are clear all the way to Madrid, and that he hates his employer more than you ever could.

Smokers reclaim rightful ownership of beer gardens

SMOKERS have reclaimed their rightful ownership of all outdoor territory surrounding pubs following a drop in temperature.

Woman seeing three men at once struggling with the admin

A WOMAN dating three different men simultaneously is finding it an organisational nightmare, she has confirmed.

Jammy millennial only spends 70 per cent of his salary on rent

A MILLENNIAL man is the envy of his peers after revealing he has an incredible 30 per cent of his monthly income left after paying his rent.

Choose your own Boris Johnson adventure

YOU are Boris Johnson, foreign secretary, bon vivant and statesman, but can you make it to the end of the week without being forced to resign?

Grandma turns pantry into pimped-out Nan Cave

A GRANDMOTHER has 'pimped out' her kitchen pantry to make it into a full-on Nan Cave all the other pensioners in the crescent are jealous of.

Experts unable to explain why anyone would buy bottled beer in a pub

EXPERTS cannot work out why anyone would buy a small, expensive bottle of beer in a pub.

Pathetic excuse for man only runs half marathon

A FEEBLE loser has announced plans to run a pathetic 13 miles to derision from his friends, family and colleagues.

42-year-old realises teenage babysitting gig was best job she’ll ever have

A 42-YEAR-OLD woman has realised that her cash-in-hand babysitting job 28 years ago, where she was paid for watching telly and eating crisps, was her career high.