Jesus died to give us two bank holidays

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has given thanks to Jesus, who gave his life so that we could have not just a Monday off work but a Friday too.

Tesco vows to take Britain down with it

TESCO has warned the people of the UK that they will pay with their lives for abandoning it.

William goes into 'tyrant mode'

PRINCE William has lapsed into behaving like a 16th century tyrant during his tour of Australia.

Six-year-olds to be taught swearing

SWEARING education for six-year-olds is to become mandatory.

Ferguson to auction skull collection

SIR Alex Ferguson is to auction off his extensive collection of human skulls.

Sharks interesting

SHARKS are really interesting, it has been confirmed.

Men seeking plausible beard exit strategies

MILLIONS of men are about to pretend a shaving accident caused them to remove their beard.

Children of hippy parents getting shit eggs again

HIPPY parents will be giving their children drab, joyless dairy-free Easter eggs again this year, it has been confirmed.

Hansen predicts Premier League victors will be a football team

MATCH of the Day pundit Alan Hansen has insisted that a team will win the Premier League.