THE Queen will use her annual Christmas message to announce that she will never die.
THOUSANDS of British families are celebrating Christmas by watching some girl-on-girl action.
DISMAL festive recipes that you will never make, with the emphasis on low cost, political cant and pervasive gloom.
A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.
A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.
THE plummeting oil price will create a perfect world of traffic jams and a foul-smelling greyish-green fog.
THE security services are planning to discredit Russell Brand by having him caught in an affair with a disreputable young woman.
AFTER unsuccessfully resigning, Ally McCoist has admitted that he has no idea how he can stop being Rangers manager.
THE proprietor of a shop selling tasteful artisan gifts has realised it is all just so f*cking irrelevant.