Please, please stop us drinking beer in airports at 6am, say Britons

BRITISH air travellers will accept any regulation that stops them drinking full pints in airport bars at 6am, they have confirmed.

Kid with ferret doesn’t need to f**k about with Pokemon

A SMALL boy with a pet ferret has confirmed that it is far better than any Pokemon.

Lloyds fires local branch staff who actually caused the financial crisis

LLOYDS Bank has disposed of 3,000 local bank workers who started the financial crisis from their roles behind counters.

Office workers advised to run away

UNHEALTHY office staff have been advised to get out of their chairs and run from their workplace, never to return.

Everyone worried Owen Smith will try to sell them a vacuum cleaner

BRITONS are worried that Labour leadership candidate Owen Smith might try to sell them life insurance or solar panels, they have revealed.

UKIP steps up search for new bellend

UKIP is to accelerate its leadership election to fill the bellend void left by Nigel Farage.

People who buy pre-sliced fruit ‘not proper humans’

THE gap between those who buy expensive packs of pre-sliced fruit and normal people is wider than previously thought, experts have found.

Patronising English arseholes wondering why Scotland might want independence

ENGLISH people who keep taking the piss out of Scotland are also baffled as to why the country might want independence.

Stranger Things fan admits it sounds like a lot of bollocks

A WOMAN describing the Netflix series Stranger Things has admitted that it does sound shite.