Business

Primark 'must never be said aloud'

THE first rule of Primark is never talk about Primark, the bargain clothes retailer has confirmed.

Google returns no search results for 'sexism' and 'tax'

TECH giant Google has decided that sexism and tax no longer exist, it has emerged.

Banknotes to be kept delicious

THE Bank of England has vowed that £5 and £10 notes will continue to be the animal fat-packed extra-crispy flavourful savoury treats that Britain loves.

Morrisons unveils Greedy Bastard range

A NEW food line aimed at greedy bastards is now on sale at Morrisons.

Shoppers praise 10p bags for stopping them going to Tesco

SHOPPERS have welcomed more expensive Tesco carrier bags because they have finally stopped them visiting the shite supermarket.

Talentless arse from school now hugely successful thanks to property

A COMPLETE twat from school is extremely wealthy thanks to the property market despite never having been good at anything.

British Gas raises then freezes electricity prices 'as a favour'

BRITISH Gas has raised electicity prices by 12.5 per cent then immediately frozen them, as a favour to their customers.

Estate agents sure everyone will be nice to them on their way down

ESTATE agents facing falling profits are confident everyone will be as kind to them on their way down as they have been to others on their way up.