Business

Everything to be given to Richard Branson

ALL remaining public assets are to be transferred to Richard Branson to see what he does with them.

Energy companies getting advert ideas from shamanic drug sessions

SSE’S ape advert was inspired by peyote-fuelled sweat lodge rituals, it has emerged.

Businesses warn fines for bad reviews will almost certainly catch on

BUSINESSES have warned they will be forced to start fining customers who complain.

Interns planning to be monstrous once they have power

UNPAID workers spend most of their time imagining how vile they will be to other interns once they get promoted, it has emerged.

Banks admit they have not done anything legal since 1978

BRITAIN’S banks are in their 36th year of unbroken criminality, it has been confirmed.

Phone shop workers not really gurus or geniuses

SPOTTY 19-year-olds who know a bit about smartphones should have more appropriate job titles, it has been claimed.

Aldi openly targets middle class people who are in the shit

DISCOUNT supermarket Aldi has launched a new marketing campaign aimed at middle class people who have fallen on hard times.

Investigation ordered into Gringotts Wizarding Bank

BRITAIN’S top wizarding bank may be broken up after the Ministry of Magic ordered a wide-ranging investigation into its activities.