Society

Pumpkin carving is the new dick size, say men

EXPERTLY carving a Halloween pumpkin is the new way to demonstrate your virility, men have confirmed.

Parents delighted as son’s creative dreams die

THE parents of 25-year-old Nathan Muir are celebrating their son’s decision to abandon his band for a job in a bank.

Single man’s housework routine is applying to Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners

43-YEAR-OLD Tom Booker’s cleaning regime is repeatedly applying to a TV series where strangers come and sort it out.

Next person who says they are ‘loving’ something to get punched in the face

THE next individual to describe themselves as ‘loving’ this or that can be punched squarely in the face, the government has confirmed.

Villages’ quirky Halloween celebrations also involve human sacrifice

RURAL villages that mark Halloween with funny old-fashioned ceremonies always kill someone at the end, it has emerged.

Immigration poll reveals Daily Mail working like a charm

THE Daily Mail has welcomed a poll which shows just how incredibly wrong British people are about levels of immigration.

Middle class people wishing they could spend holidays in a hotel

BRITAIN’S middle class people are sick of having to stay in cold, draughty old cottages whenever they go on holiday.

Children raise half-term bribe level

THE UK's children have increased their price for not being little bastards during half-term.