Society

Old hippyish man who didn't murder anyone dies

AN OLD bearded man, who was around in the 60s but didn’t do any murders, has died.

'We're very lucky' say couple who clearly mean 'we're amazing'

A SUCCESSFUL couple have put it all down to luck while also not wanting you to believe that.

Londoners obediently queueing for some bullshit

A QUEUE of Londoners don’t even know what bullshit they are lining up for, they have confirmed.

Over 30s not on property ladder 'can f**k off'

YOUNG people desperately need help buying their own home but anyone over 30 can just suck it, society has decided.

Middle class foodie who 'sources ingredients' actually just going to Tesco Express

A MIDDLE class man refers to his food shopping as 'sourcing ingredients' as opposed to ‘going to the shops’, it has emerged.

'You moved slightly, so that means we're going for a walk' says ridiculously excited dog

A DOG is absurdly optimistic that his owner shifting slightly on the sofa means a long, exciting walk is imminent.

Baby taunts father with new hair growth

A BABY has been flaunting his rapidly sprouting hair follicles in front of his balding father, it has emerged.

25-year-old who says she feels ‘ancient’ told to shut the f**k up

A 25-YEAR-OLD who spent her birthday complaining about being ‘basically middle-aged’ has been advised by older friends to shut the f**k up.