Society

New parents grateful for deluge of contradictory advice

FIRST-TIME parents have expressed their gratitude for the deluge of completely incompatible, hysterical advice.

Woman who keeps voting Tory can't work out why public services are shit

A WOMAN who keeps voting for Conservative governments cannot understand why her local services are terrible.

Woman cannot be arsed to have a baby

A WOMAN has decided against having children because it is loads of hassle.

Charities appeal for more annoying bastards to hassle you in the street

THE numbers of incredibly irritating people who are prepared to be 'chuggers' is dangerously low, charities have warned.

Little shits playing music on bus fully aware it is annoying

TEENAGE bastards playing music on a bus are fully aware that it is annoying everyone else, it has emerged.

Dad breaks 10-hour silence to recommend using the M69

A FATHER did not say a word during a 10-hour family visit until telling his daughter to use the M69.

Romantic massage deeply unpleasant for both parties

A COUPLE who thought giving each other massages would be ‘sexy’ have been left traumatised by the experience.

Neighbours invited to party on condition they don’t come

A MAN has invited his next-door neighbours to a party he is holding tomorrow night on condition that they do not attend.