Celebrity

This is a new low for me, says 'gate' suffix

THE -gate suffix, used for political scandals since 1972’s Watergate, has admitted that yesterday’s Traingate is a new low. 

Team GB athletes caught smuggling precious metals into UK

BRITAIN’S Olympians have brought shame upon the country by attempting to smuggle rare metals from Brazil.

Women strongly opposed to Nicole Scherzinger

WOMEN are opposed to Nicole Scherzinger, it has been confirmed.

Man claims vague relationship with every Team GB medallist

WAYNE Hayes has worked with, played football against, babysat and lived next-door to each and every Great British Olympic medalist, weary colleagues have revealed.

Boris Johnson ‘may have accidentally sold Britain to Peruvian drug lord’

BRITAIN now belongs to a Peruvian drug lord after an ‘accident’ by Boris Johnson.

180,000 new Labour members thought they were getting Beyonce tickets

THE 180,000 new registered Labour supporters thought they were buying exclusive front-row access to a Beyonce gig.

Off you f**k, Queen tells Cameron

THE Queen has assured David Cameron that he was her worst prime minister ‘by miles’.

Queen reflects that it’s a good thing she doesn’t give a shit

THE Queen has reflected that, considering all the constitutional powers she has, it is a good thing she could not care less about Britain anymore.