Environment

Britain still hopelessly divided between far too hot and bloody freezing

THE divide between Britain being ridiculously, painfully hot and absolutely fucking freezing is starker than ever, meteorologists have confirmed.

Glitter from Glastonbury getting absolutely f**king everywhere

EVERYTHING in the UK now has some glitter on it because of Glastonbury, it has been confirmed.

Britain in record breaking four-day summer

AS SUMMER in Britain comes to an end, experts confirmed the four days of consecutive sunshine was a new record.

Man wakes up on sofa with bag of sweetcorn on head

A MAN has awoken on his sofa with the front and back doors propped open and a formerly frozen bag of sweetcorn on his head.

UK would back full communism if it provided air conditioning

THE UK would embrace common ownership of the means of production if it meant decent air-conditioning.

Britain doing shit it would never do if it wasn't hot

BRITAIN is throwing itself into murky ponds and wearing bright yellow shorts just because it is hotter than normal, it has emerged.

Christ on a bike, it’s boiling though, confirms Britain

BRITAIN has confirmed it is panting like a dog and that hot weather is stupid and wrong.

Trump pulls out of 21st century

DONALD Trump has pulled the US out of the liberal consensus of having a ‘2’ at the beginning of the year.