Environment

Midlands earthquake leaves trail of pound shops and coffee chains

AN earthquake centred in Rutland has left Midlands towns a bleak, devastated, landscape of nothing but Poundstretchers and Costa Coffees.

World hits snooze on Doomsday Clock again

THE world has greeted news that the Doomsday Clock stands at three minutes to midnight by reaching sleepily out and pressing the button that shuts it up.

Highlands travellers warned against sheltering in wrong pub

DRIVERS in Scotland have been warned against sheltering from icy conditions in isolated pubs where they are likely to be murdered.

Thundersnow heralds the coming of the Ninth Demon, admits Met Office

THUNDERSNOW has opened a portal to hell and released the dreaded Ninth Demon, the Met Office has finally admitted.

Not enough snow expected

BRITAIN will get just enough snow today to make driving a nightmare, but not quite enough to go home early.

‘Daylight’ just slightly lighter darkness

SO-CALLED daylight is now just a slightly diluted version of the night, it has been confirmed.

Squirrel cull part of clampdown on big penis animals

GREY squirrels are to be culled as part of a wider campaign against species with very large penises.

Warmest year on record except in hearts

BRITAIN has enjoyed the warmest year for two-and-half centuries except in its inhabitants cold, hateful hearts.