Environment

Bohemian, middle-class household just dirty

A HOUSEHOLD that describes itself as ‘bohemian’ just needs to tidy up and push the hoover round, guests have agreed.

Apes wonder why they haven’t taken over world yet

PRIMATES are unsure why they have yet to take over the planet when humanity is clearly doing such a terrible job.

Hinkley Point nuclear plant given go-ahead because 'it's only near Bristol'

THE government has approved the building of a nuclear power station at Hinkley Point because if anything should go wrong it only affects Bristol.

Southern Britain goes all fancy and continental in heatwave

ONE day of unexpected hot weather has transformed Southern Britons into languid continental-style sensualists.

Motorists form orderly queues within marked lanes in bank holiday traffic chaos

BANK holiday traffic chaos has hit the UK, with tens of thousands of motorists following each other in neat lines at low speed while obeying all laws of the road.

Cat desperately searching for penis

A CAT has not seen his penis for three weeks, it has emerged.

Huge spider in no way more scared of you than you are of it

A MASSIVE spider has confirmed that it is in no way more scared of you than you are of it, so you best just keep walking.

Pasty Britons in desperate 48-hour race to get tan

THE pasty people of Britain have just two days to expose their bodies to enough sunlight to last for the other 363 days.