Environment

Middle-class family tanning absolute f**k out of their National Trust membership

A FAMILY have spent the Easter holidays giving their National Trust cards an absolute fucking hammering.

Sunny weather fills local park with dickheads

THE recent sunny weather has lead to a sharp increase in dickheads going to the park.

Anywhere without ‘No Fly Tipping’ signs fine for fly-tipping

ANY lay-by, alleyway or domestic garden that does not display a ‘No Fly Tipping’ sign is open for fly-tipping, local authorities have confirmed.

Cat self-conscious about hairy ears

A CAT'S confidence is being undermined by protruding ear hair, it has emerged.

Fresh air harmful to Londoners

LONDONERS are against pollution cuts because clean air hurts their poison-adapted lungs, it has emerged.

City twats enjoy week of patronising rural people

A GROUP of hipsters have spent an ironic week in the country laughing at the backwardness of the benighted locals.

Spring vastly overrated

SPRING is more or less the same as winter, it has been confirmed.

Joy of spring curtailed by remembering it pisses it down throughout

BRITAIN’S brief joy at the arrival of spring has ceased after remembering that it will rain solidly for two months of it.