Environment

'Lovely light mornings' thinks woman yet to comprehend cost of time's evil bargain

A WOMAN enjoying a daylight commute will only realise the true price of her devilish deal with time at around 4pm today.

Won't someone stop these Just Stop Oil scum giving me an erection?

JUST Stop Oil has crossed a line by smearing cake on a waxwork of King Charles. It’s time to come down hard on them, and it's causing unusual sensations in my trousers.

'We're not pumping sewage in the sea, we're firing it at the French'

WATER companies have explained to customers on the south coast that they are not pumping sewage into the sea so much as firing it at the hated French.

Bring some Toilet Duck: Your guide to surviving Britain's shit-filled rivers and beaches

BRITAIN’S excellent water companies have decided to fill our waterways with raw sewage. Here’s how not to get a hideous disease next time you go for an outdoor swim.

Six heatwave warnings that are bullshit if you ask me. By a teenage dickhead

PEOPLE talk some shit about the hot weather. I mean, who’s ever injured themselves jumping off a cliff? Water’s really soft. Here’s more stuff they’re just trying to scare you with.

Five ways British people will be total twats about a hosepipe ban

THE hosepipe bans coming into force will give Britain's most annoying citizens countless ways to be pedantic bastards and tinpot Hitlers. Here’s how they'll make the most of it.

How I created a fake heatwave to fool sheeple that climate change is real, by the BBC's Tomasz Schafernaker

GOOD morning. As a meteorologist I create the weather, and last week my globalist paymasters ordered a record-breaking heatwave. Here’s how I did it.

A good drought never hurt anyone: How we laughed through the summer of 1976

WORRIED about droughts sweeping the UK next? Cheer up - we just laughed off the punishing drought of 1976, says increasingly desperate climate change denier Roy Hobbs.

Man compensating for tiny penis with massive carbon footprint

A MAN with an underwhelming cock is making up for it by polluting the planet as much as he possibly can, he has confirmed.

Heatwave transforms Northerner into an Italian

YESTERDAY’S high temperatures caused a man from West Yorkshire to morph into a hot-blooded Continental.