Environment

MEN on allotments obsessed with growing massive marrows are trying to compensate for deep feelings of inadequacy in other areas, it has emerged.

A SWATHE of Britain that is of no real import, ranging from Bedford to Andover and from Northampton to Reading, is to be flooded today.

STORM Lilian is bringing gales and heavy rain to areas that have underperformed in their GCSEs, meteorologists have confirmed.

THE sun is continuing to shine, leaving weary Britons with no choice but to go outside and perform sunshine-related activities. What will you do?

AFTER a summer closely resembling winter, the UK has called bullshit on today’s so-called heatwave.

LOW, grey skies and constant pissing rain, but can 2024 really compare to the f**king awful summers of England’s drenched past?

A STOICAL man gazing at the clouds has grimly warned that a hen party is approaching.

BRITONS facing the prospect of the first mildly left-leaning government in 14 years are concerned that it could make recycling a little bit harder to do.