International

Cameron vows UK will be last place on Earth to legalise weed

THE prime minister has promised that cannabis will still be illegal in Britain decades after everyone else has given in.

Scotland commission unveils hideously deformed camel

THE commission on new powers for Scotland has unveiled a camel with nine legs, seven humps and 13 buttocks.

People who knew nothing about Ferguson riots able to work out exactly why they happened

A GROUP of people kept in isolation for the last six months has guessed exactly why there are riots in the US town of Ferguson.

Russian webcam hackers fascinated by dreariness of UK lives

THE Russian hackers who broke into 500 UK webcams are transfixed by the sheer lack of event in British lives.

Scotland getting pretty fed up with reality checks

SCOTLAND has had quite enough of inconvenient reality, it has been confirmed.

Putin giggles coquettishly at Hitler comparison

VLADIMIR Putin giggled flirtatiously and batted his eyelashes when compared to Hitler, according to onlookers.

EU threatens to install prepayment meter

The EU had told Britain that it will install a pre-payment meter for all European services if our £1.7 billion bill is not paid in full.

Obama to spend next two years doing socialist rituals in Kenya

BARACK Obama is to devote the pointless remainder of his presidency to being deliberately antagonistic.