Science & Technology

DNA project to find out why Britain is so full of arseholes

SCIENTISTS are to map the DNA of everyone in Britain in a bid to find out why so many of you are dreadful.

Exciting new technology nowhere near ready

AN exciting new piece of technology is nowhere near ready and will never come into widespread use.

Computer fad over

FALLING iPad sales have confirmed that the computer fad is now over.

Attention-seeking weather told to grow-up

BRITAIN’S insecure, attention-seeking climate has been told to get a grip.

Cameron to fund British superhero

THE prime minister has announced that £1.1 billion is to be spent creating a major British superhero.

Careless USB removal causes multiple deaths

EIGHTEEN workers have died after a USB stick was removed from a computer without adequate precautions.

Most chimp gestures taking piss out of David Attenborough

CHIMP researchers have discovered a lexicon of 66 gestures, 54 of which are jokes at the expense of Sir David Attenborough.

Porn and Amazon, experts tell government

GOVERNMENT agencies have been advised that 98% of internet traffic is breasts and shopping.