Science & Technology

Staring into empty fridge does not make food appear, scientists confirm

YOU cannot restock a fridge by staring blankly into it for several minutes, it has been confirmed.

Mum sending message via WhatsApp, Viber, Facebook, text and email perfectly aware they all go to same device

A MUM sending the same message via five different platforms is perfectly aware that they all goes to her daughter’s one phone, she has confirmed.

Scientists unlock the secrets of cat swearing

CATS have a complex system of cat swear words, researchers have discovered.

Personal data is bollocks because you're all liars or idiots, confirm internet companies

THE personal data collected over the internet is all bollocks, it has finally been admitted.

You’re not having any more phones, clumsy little bastards told

CHILDREN who keep losing their phones will have to make do with traditional communication methods such as letters, parents have decided.

No one gives a tuppenny f**k what you dreamt about last night

IT may have featured Tom Hardy in arseless chinos and an alien horse invasion but no one wants to hear your dream, it has been confirmed.

No need to wash your hands if it's only a piss, agrees Britain

BRITAIN has agreed that if it is just a piss then washing your hands is not a big deal.

It will never be cold again, agrees Britain

THE UK has agreed that today’s mild sunshine means summer has arrived and it will never be cold again.