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Hoovers, postmen and oddly-shaped rocks: The terrible dangers I protect you from by barking, by your dog

IT’S a scary world out there for you humans. Luckily I’m always there to protect you with my terrifying barking abilities. Here are the threats I keep at bay every single day.    

Hoovers

I don’t really know what a hoover is. Maybe it’s a creature of some kind, possibly a cyborg. All I know for certain is that it’s f**king evil. And yet, inexplicably, you let this monster live in our home. Worse still, every week or so you take him out and give it the house tour – all while it emits a deafening wail. If I wasn’t around to keep it in check there’s no telling what this sick bastard would do.  

Postmen

I just don’t understand this guy. Every time I see him I insist he keeps away from our property, and yet every few mornings he shows up again to slip more mystery objects through the letterbox. I can only assume he’s trying to get inside and kill us all. Okay, I admit I quite enjoy eating some of the things he slides through the door – but that doesn’t mean he has the right to do it.

Oddly-shaped rocks

Sometimes a rock just doesn’t look right. And on those occasions it’s incredibly important to bark and whine at the rock for several minutes to ensure it doesn’t do anything untoward. You’re certainly not about to do that – so it’s up to old muggins here to save the day yet again.

Large bags of shopping

One of the things that scares us dogs more than anything is the unknown. So every time I see you stroll into the house holding a bag heaving with stuff, I assume the worst. I mean, what the f**k’s in there? Snakes? Fire? A dozen XL Bullies? If it isn’t some kind of gift for me, then get it the hell out of here.

That dog that lives in the mirror

There’s something about that prick in the mirror that just doesn’t sit right. He looks exactly like me, he’s completely odourless, and his fur is weirdly smooth and cold. I’ve decided he means to cause us harm. The trouble is, this guy gives as good as he gets. Every time I try to see him off with a few barks, he stands his ground and barks right back at me.

Lorries

Yes, they’re bigger than me, faster than me and they weigh about 15 tonnes more than me. But don’t think I won’t f**k up a lorry if I have to. I’d do anything for this family. Think about that the next time you can’t be arsed to go on a 15-minute walk with me.  

Your mate Terry

Look, I just don’t f**king like your mate Terry, alright? I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s his hair or that big coat he wears. Either way, I don’t trust him and I think you should keep the f**k away from him.

‘Nothing’

Every so often I’ll stare into empty space and bark like a lunatic. At least that’s what it looks like to you. For your own peace of mind, it’s probably best I don’t go into too much detail about what’s going on here. But rest assured, you’d be in a whole heap of trouble if I wasn’t around. Maybe you could show some gratitude every once in a while by giving me a bit of your dinner.    

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Seven ways the inevitable OJ Simpson TV drama will be terrible

THERE is not a cat in hell’s chance that the death of OJ Simpson won’t result in a rubbish TV drama. And if recent efforts like Netflix’s Scoop are anything to go by, this is what it will be like:

Massively up its own arse

Scoop could not stop telling you how bloody important the Andrew interview was, although mainly it just confirmed he is a pompous, shifty arsehole. Hold the front page. The OJ drama will also pretend it’s incredibly important, which it won’t be, unless it can bring OJ back to life and get the murdering bastard convicted this time.

On-the-nose dialogue

Real-life dramas are popular with morons because they already live in reality, whereas Narnia or Airstrip One are a lot to take in. Dialogue should remove any risk of being confused by what’s happening or how you should feel, eg. ‘We thought he was an American hero, but he had a dark side and killed a beautiful young woman with her whole life ahead of her.’

It tells you absolutely nothing new

A technique pioneered by The Crown. While promising insider knowledge of the Royals, it just dramatised events everyone already knew about, exactly as they were reported in the press. The OJ drama should follow this template, so viewers are treated to revelations like: OJ was good at American football; he probably lied about not murdering his wife; he is no longer alive.

It is surprisingly boring

With two gruesome murders, the big-money world of the NFL, a world-famous police chase, a courtroom drama, an armed robbery and kidnapping in a hotel and OJ behind bars, it’ll be impossible for this to be boring, right? Er, not if you’ve seen it all before, which you have.

Features a reality-breaking famous character  

Real-life dramas must include at least one real famous person played by an actor who looks nothing like them and is just hugely distracting. So in OJ’s story it could be Leslie Nielsen on the set of The Naked Gun 2½, played by Mark Wahlberg in a really strange wig.  

A confusing choice of narrative perspective

Scoop focused on the guest booker for Newsnight, Sam McAlister, which was odd because viewers were more interested in the question: ‘So is he a nonce?’ Similarly, the OJ drama should present the story from the perspective of a female TV journalist covering his trials while struggling to maintain a work/life balance. This will provide plenty of opportunities to point out how f**king important the media is, which media people will like. 

A sickeningly insincere postscript

As this massive waste of everyone’s time ends and the screen fades to black, these words will appear: ‘Dedicated to Nicole Brown Simpson.’ No it’s not. It’s dedicated to making money. And maybe you should have left off the ‘Simpson’, what with the whole ‘being murdered by him’ thing.

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