Agony Aunt

Even the BNP hates me

It's not nice being a Billy-no-mates.

I am deeply attracted to golf

People might think I'm weird for attempting a relationship with an abstract concept.

My other half is begging me to reconsider

Wales punched a hole in the wall of the school gym and took a dinner lady hostage for six hours.

My GQ award made me realise the sky's the limit

Just because you’ve got a shiny thing with your name on it, it doesn’t mean people like you.

All I can hear is heavy breathing and laughter

We often used to prank call our teacher, Mrs Babs, although not so much since she had the breakdown.

Do I use my bare hands or my Cath Kidston crossbow?

I can't advise on conventional personal weaponry, as they've recently banned it at my school.

I might dye my hair brown like proper politicians

If mummy said looks don't matter she was LYING.

I have completely changed my mind about Scottish independence

Do you think anyone will mind if I ditch the whole thing?