Try to imagine Harry Styles being killed by firing squad.
How can I inspire millions of wet dreams when I can't comfortably sit down?
Having broken up with my wife, I'm surprised to find I don't want to listen to Coldplay.
My granny says that in the olden days people used to take photos of other people.
There is nothing more incriminating than a handwritten note.
I can't even get up from a chair without letting one rip.
Ensure you have an adequate supply of slate blue corduroy trousers.
Have you ever noticed that teachers never go to the toilet?
- I'm getting all edgy about this Scotland thing
- Our friends expect an obscene display of wealth
- Every time I give a lady one of my 'special cuddles', she ends up with a baby
- My lesbian porn stash has been discovered, am I going to Hell?
- If the president of France can't have some naughty fun, what hope is there for humanity?