Agony Aunt

Ask Holly: How can I cheer myself up after such flabby orange ghastliness?

CHRISTIANS must have cheerful faces full of joy, yet my recent house guest has left me with a foul grimace and a heavy heart.

Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

Ask Holly: World leaders are working their sorry asses off to impress me

THE only things that properly scare me are Mister Maker's eyes and my granny's enormous pink knickers.

Ask Holly: Some people gave me a can of fizzy pop and now everyone is cross

THEY gave me a can of fizzy pop and told me to stand with a crowd of hippies.

Ask Holly: May needs to stay on top of her ironing pile

MY granny also thinks Daniel O'Donnell is sexy so she is clearly off her head.

Ask Holly: Love Actually represents everything wrong with popular culture

MY teacher, Edwina Pringle, probably has Love Actually in her top three films.

Dear Holly: 'Why does no-one realise the nightmare it is to be me?' yours, Piers Morgan

"It's becoming more and more of a struggle to look at my own big smug face staring back at me."