Agony Aunt

By the time he hits puberty he'll be armpit-farting the theme tune to Eastenders

Boys are really good at some stuff that girls are rubbish at, like precision weeing.

How can I sound convincingly sorry?

Try to imagine Harry Styles being killed by firing squad.

Some aspects of pregnancy are at odds with my glamorous image

How can I inspire millions of wet dreams when I can't comfortably sit down?

My marriage split makes me want to listen to Happy

Having broken up with my wife, I'm surprised to find I don't want to listen to Coldplay.

Facebook is my Frankenstein's monster

My granny says that in the olden days people used to take photos of other people.

Look at the stuff I sent to ministers, but lay off my One Direction fan mail

There is nothing more incriminating than a handwritten note.

Mental relaxation has affected my bottom

I can't even get up from a chair without letting one rip.

Is this the baby blues you hear about?

Ensure you have an adequate supply of slate blue corduroy trousers.