Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I spend everyday slaving after my
ungrateful husband and children, and what thanks do I get? None,
whatsoever. So if mummy decides that she deserves a few cheeky
bottles of pinot on a Friday morning, I don’t see what the big deal
is. Just because my winding-down session happens to co-incide with
one of the kids’ birthday parties, and I happen to use a few swear
words, show my underwear and fall face-first into a rabbit jelly
doesn’t warrant my husband chastising me and turning the kids against
me, does it? It’s been two days now and they’re still being huffy.
Should I tell them all to go to hell?

Dear Fiona,
At times like this, the only suitable
course of action is to fake your own abduction. I’ve considered doing
it myself, many times, to teach my cruel parents a lesson and make
them realise that life without me would be rubbish, and they never
should have shouted at me and sent me to bed with no supper just
because I accidentally coloured in my granny’s white dog with blue
and green felt tips and cut off all the hair on his shoulders. If you
do go down this route, make sure you set the scene well – take time
to leave evidence of a struggle, and, if possible, leave the window
of your bedroom window open with the curtains blowing dramatically in
the wind. Then simply hide under the bed a la Shannon Matthews, wait
for your absence to be discovered and witness with satisfaction when
the frantic shouting and wailing begins. Now they wish they’d been
nicer to you, and upon careful consideration, they realise that
Bilko’s new hairdo is actually pretty awesome.
Hope that helps,