Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

Now that we’re having warmer weather,
it’s time to dust off my shorts, pull a razor through the jungle on
my legs and get some fresh air about my stale armpits. However,
before I start exposing my white bits, it’d be nice to get in shape.
I’ve already commenced a rigorous fitness regime: the other night I
walked to the chippy to pick up my tea, and when offered a chocolate
éclair for dessert, I very nearly declined. Next week I might even
go and look at pictures of exercise bikes in Argos. However, all of
this dieting and exercise is time consuming. Can you suggest a quick
way of losing weight so that I don’t have to wolf down my pizza of a

Dear Helen,

Although it’s a good idea to get in
shape for the summer, do be careful when you go about it, especially
if you intend to sign up for Sports Day. Despite the fact that Sports
Day is intended to be fun for all who take part, everyone knows it’s
really just a way for all the thin popular people to excel, and
anyone who happens to be fat, puny or lazy look and feel like a total
loser. But things aren’t necessarily as they seem. My big sister told
me that Sports Day was designed by the Lesbians as a way of
maximising and identifying sperm donor potential. Think about it:
they’ve had representatives in schools posing as PE teachers for
years, secretly noting who is the fastest, strongest and best at the
egg and spoon race so that they might be utilised to further the
Lesser Master Race and help take over the world. Have you ever
encountered anyone who ever won the sack race? No, because they were
bundled into a van and never seen again. So this is a warning if you
value your sperms: never come first on Sports Day.
Hope that helps!