Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
There’s a really foxy girl who drinks
in my local and I’ve decided I’d like to have sex with her. I’ve
heard on the grapevine that she likes men with expensive cars and
designer clothes – unfortunately, my job as a service station
assistant only just about keeps me in Pot Noodles and Lynx. I thought
maybe I could break into an old lady’s house, rough her up a bit
and then steal all her life savings and ornaments. My question is:
should I bother with all the hassle of buying a flashy car when I
could just hand this girl the loot and tell her to get her knickers

Dear Floyd,
My mummy and daddy have always told me
how I must try hard at school and go to university if I want to have
a good job when I’m older and make lots of money to spend on Barbie
accessories. But it turns out that this is all a load of nonsense
because there’s a way of making loads of money by not doing anything
at all. You don’t even have to bother going to college or even school
– you can just hang about in doorways, terrorise cats and set fire to
things if you like. When all the silly, boring people are doing exams
and taking out bank loans to go to university, the really clever ones
just go to a special place run by the government and say they would
like some pocket money paid to them every week. Then they fill in
some forms and their rent gets paid, and they can go and get drunk
and spend their day in front of their big telly in their PJs. If they
want to go on holiday or get the latest designer clothes, they just
have few babies. My granny talks rubbish when she says this country
is going down the toilet – anywhere that pays people to stay in bed
all day must be the greatest place on Earth.
Hope that helps!