Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Last weekend I was doing something I shouldn’t with an unknown gentleman in a nightclub toilet when we were unexpectedly interrupted by my sister-in-law. One minute we were dry riding to R-Kelly, the next, the door had flown open and she was standing there, aghast. Unfortunately, by the time I’d peeled my pants off the floor she had gone. The thing is, she’s not said anything to my husband yet, but I very much doubt she’s going to keep it a secret for long because she’s a vindictive cow. Have you got any suggestions for ensuring she keeps schtum, or should I just go ahead and garotte her with her own washing line?
Agatha,
Peterborough

Dear Agatha,
Perhaps, if you happen to get lots of pocket money, you might want to pay for a soup injection, just like that naughty footballer in the news this week. I’m not actually sure what a soup injection is, and what flavour of soup it involves, and if you also get a bread roll, but it seems to make lots of people mad, especially the ones who write in the papers because they’re not allowed to say anything about you, even if you do terribly naughty things. Whatever it is, I’m going to raid my piggy bank and try to scrape together enough to give my teacher, Mrs Bradley, a soup injection before parents evening this week, so she can’t tell my mummy and daddy all about how I poured poster paint into Amelie Parker’s My Little Pony lunch box as retaliation for blunting my silver glitter pen. As far as I’m concerned, my activities outside the classroom are nothing to do with my school work and are my own private business, and Mrs Bradley has no right to broadcast this information to anyone. Not even on Twitter.
Hope that helps!
Holly

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Getting angry at traffic jams makes them go away

SHOUTING obscenities while punching the dashboard makes traffic jams disappear, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies has found that long queues of vehicles disperse in mere minutes once drivers have surpassed a certain level of red-faced fury.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Exactly how it works is mysterious and possibly quantum. But the evidence that foul-mouthed screamy tantrums have a positive effect on bottlenecks, contraflows and motorway tailbacks is undeniable.

“Perhaps vitriolic screams of ‘f**kers, f**kers, f**kers’ echo throughout the universe and affect our reality. Perhaps there is a higher agency. All we know it that it works.”

Brubaker outlined the best practise for deactivating traffic jams using ‘Tantrum Theory’. He continued: “Clutch the steering wheel so hard that first your knuckles and then your entire forearms turn a deathly white. We call this ‘banking rage’.

“Then rock back and forth shouting ‘f**king typical’ and ‘shit, fucknut, arsehole, wank-bastard’ until a wiggly vein appears on your forehead. Then, and only then, repeatedly hit out at the dashboard, being careful not to activate the airbag.

“For maximum effectiveness tell anyone in the passenger seat that this is their fault and that you should have left earlier, before muttering under your breath ‘it’s always the same f**king story with you pricks, isn’t it?’.

“Following this simple process, the road will clear quickly and everything will be fine again. If it fails, repeat.”

The study also found that 78 per cent of motorway collisions are caused deliberately by motorists who just want to be annoying.

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