Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m getting married in a couple of months and although the majority of the preparations are coming along nicely, I’m starting to regret my decision to ask my friend Carol to be bridesmaid because she’s not bothered to lose any weight and is not going to fit into the satin sheath dress I have selected for her without some form of medical intervention. I’ve made subtle hints, such as enrolling her on Weight Watchers and leaving cartons of SlimFast lying about, and yet she continues to pile on the pounds. I really don’t want her to ruin my wedding photos but I don’t want to hurt her feelings either. Do you think if I secretly lace her meals with laxatives she’d be able to shit off the weight before August?

Dear Fiona.
Although your fat friend will make a rather unsightly bridesmaid, have you stopped to consider that her size can be put to many other good uses? The fat girl in our class, Frances Hall, is always good to have around due to her superior strength and ability to block doorways, as well as her substantial supply of pickled onion Space Raiders. No-one would dare pick a fight with Frances, not since the time Matthew Tyson kept calling her Free Willy all through PE until she suddenly snapped and charged him like an angry elephant, ripping his Arsenal shirt and crushing his little soldier in the process. I saw it afterwards and it had gone a weird green and purple colour. Frances is also a good person to have on your team for boisterous playground games, including British Bulldog, where she can take down up to twenty children in a single run. Admittedly, she is rubbish at Buckeroo, due to her sausage fingers.
Hope that helps!