Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other night, something incredible
happened to me. I was sitting watching Coronation Street, when
suddenly, Ken Barlow came out of the TV set and grabbed me around the
neck. His eyes were burning with an intense, pink fire, boring into
me as he boomed, ‘your mission is to eradicate those who work against
me, and who deny my absolute power. Go this day to Morrisons
supermarket and buy all of the Findus Crispy Chicken available, and
some Sarsons vinegar. Fight to the death anyone who stands in your
way. When you get home, bury the vinegary chicken treasure in your
garden, light a fire and await my next message’. With a puff of
smoke, he was gone. Do you think this was a genuine vision, or was it
all the cannabis?

Dear Dave,
It sounds to me like you have
superhuman powers or something. I would love to have a special power,
like being invisible so I could sneak into the boys toilets and see
exactly what they get up to in there that creates such an awful
smell. Or even better, I would have superspeed so next time Valerie
Potter pukes on the bouncy castle, I’d be out of there like a flash
of light, whilst everyone else is left in their socks jumping on
vomit. What would be most cool of all though would be to have
superhuman strength so that next time my granny’s Yorkshire terrier,
Bilko, gets raped by next door’s rottweiler, I’d be there to
intervene and stand on that horrid dog’s slimy red lipstick so he
thinks twice about abusing poor, frightened old Bilko again.
Hope that helps!