Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Dave from IT has given me Gonorrhoea.  Should I impale both his testicles with a high heel, or just one?

Dear Tara,
I’m not sure what Gonorrhoea is but you sound pretty ungrateful to me: Dave probably went to a lot of trouble to find you the perfect gift and all you can do is complain. My mummy says even if someone gets you a rubbish present you still have to smile and say thank you. We had to have a chat about this after I had a bit of a meltdown at Christmas over a Dora the Explorer pencil case which was blatantly for a baby, not a big girl like me. Anyway, now I’ve learned to control my rage and granny’s head wound has virtually disappeared, I am happy to receive any gift, even the matchbox of scabs which Oliver French so kindly gave me for my birthday. Who’d have thought a discarded piece of  congealed blood would make such a pretty trinket for Barbie’s hair?
Hope that helps!