Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

The shit has really hit the fan at work and so a quick career change might be on the cards very soon. The only thing is, I’ve been doing the same job for years and so I’m not sure what I’d be good at. Anything that involves contradicting myself and/or making a complete arse of things might be a good place to start. Any suggestions?

Theresa May

Dear Theresa

Have you ever thought about being a primary school teacher? All you need is a stern pointy finger, breath that smells like a five-day-old corpse, and an obsession with sugar paper and red pens. You don’t even need any qualifications because none of the children question what you’re telling them and if they do you just call them insolent little squirts and put them on the naughty table. My teacher, Mrs Dodkins, is always making stuff up, like she did about that chap Isaac Newton who supposedly shot an apple off his son’s head. How, exactly, does this gravity stuff explain how Oliver French threw his bouncy ball up in the playground on Thursday and it never EVER came back down again? I know it happened because I saw it with my own eyes. Lying old Mrs Dodkins even tried to convince us that God doesn’t make new clean water for us to drink every day, but instead we get the old stuff that has been flushed down the toilet with turds and bits of dental floss in it that’s just floated off back into the sky somehow. Honestly, the woman must think we’re all so thick!

Hope that helps!