Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am deeply, deeply in love with a woman from work, but I don’t even know her name. We share a lift together every morning and although she doesn’t give me a second glance I am sure that she could grow to love me as I love her. The only real obstacle to our union is that the other day she sort of caught me smelling her hair while she wasn’t looking, and then got a bit upset when she later noticed I was attempting to borrow a few fibres from her sweater. She turned round and said ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing you smelly little weirdo?’ and I attempted to propose that we make fast, hot love in the lift but my stutter and the dribbling got in the way a bit and she got a bit of spray on her face and she then exited the lift. How can I make her realise she needs me inside her?

Dear Daryl,
It sounds like you’ve got it bad for this lady and I can sympathise because I love Justin Bieber and I want to meet him and have his other love child! I’ve written him a few letters but he just keeps sending me Justin Bieber sticker books and application forms to join the Justin Bieber fan club. I think he must be playing hard to get too. But at least you’re not the boyfriend of our teaching assistant, Miss Stimpson. One time, he came into school with his guitar and was whispering about a big surprise, and we all had to sing along with him when Miss Stimpson came in and then hold up cards that spelled out ‘marry me, Edwina?’. And then the boyfriend got down on one knee and we all cheered but Miss Stimpson was crying a bit and kept trying to yank her boyfriend up and was saying ‘please don’t make me do this in front of the kids’ and ‘Peter, you know I can’t’ and stuff like that and then it went a bit quiet and Miss Stimpson cried a bit more and then her boyfriend got all sad and punched the wall and Mrs Dodkins, our teacher, said we had to stop staring and get on with painting our spaceships.
Hope that helps!