Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ll admit that my taste in fashion is rather risqué, and I do like to flatter my curves in a leather mini skirt and peep-hole bra. But the other women in the nursing home are obviously jealous because they’re all talking about me behind my back and yesterday, Dolly said I should wear something more appropriate to play bridge because my nipples are distracting everyone. Should I listen to them or are they just wishing they could look as good at 95?

Dear Ethel,
Don’t believe everything grown ups say to you, because they think they know everything but actually they don’t. For example, do you know that one of the people who wants to be President of America is a merman? A real, live merman!! And all this time my parents were saying there’s no such thing. Walt Disney knew differently, of course. Apparently, if you’re a merman, not only do you get to live in the sea and lie about on rocks all day, you can also marry as many mermaids as you like. But sometimes they get bored of having conversations with molluscs and want to live on land for a while. So they put on a suit and ruck sack and knock on a few people’s doors to tell them how much they love Jesus and also to stop overfishing the ocean. You can tell a merman in disguise because they live in Utah, study scripture and have a massive fishy tail instead of legs.
Hope that helps!