Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I consider myself to be a vaguely attractive gentleman, not completely abhorrent to women, and yet I never seem to have much luck in getting one to intercourse me. The main problem is that I just don't know how to communicate effectively with the opposite sex. If I spot a nice-looking girl in a bar I set out to win her with the best intentions, but usually just end up getting very drunk and asking her if she would like to suck me, which hasn't been terribly successful as yet. Please help.

Dear Cliff,
You obviously don't know how to play the game which all women expect you to play if you are to have any degree of success in love. You're probably still swapping marbles in the gutter or ducking about the playground doing rubbish machine gun sound effects with your mouth. Keep that up and you'll continue to fail miserably with the ladies. If you want to get your hands on the real prize you need to cast off your boyish frivolities, and limber up for more manly pursuits, such as kiss-chase. If you are unfamiliar with this particular technique, the basic aim is to chase and catch a girl, and plant a smacker on her before she wriggles free. Remember: the faster you can run, the more chance you have of ensnaring a nubile cutie. And don't be tempted to settle for the lolloping mingers who will run slowly on purpose so you catch them by mistake. So, the next time you're at work, why not suggest a game of kiss-chase to your female colleagues and I'm sure you'll have your hands up their skirts in no time.
Hope that helps!