Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I'm 29 and still a virgin. It's not through lack of trying – I'd dearly love to get my kicks from something more interactive than a poster of Hugh Grant and an Oral-B 500, but I simply can't pluck up the courage to talk to a real man. Every time I get chatted up I get all nervous and start looking for the nearest exit. How can I learn to keep my cool and hold a conversation with the opposite sex?

Dear Isobel,
First of all, I am very glad to hear you are looking after your teeth. As for boys, if you ask me you're better off not associating with them at all. Unless, of course, you like the idea of rating the sound and smell of your own pumps, or sliding across highly polished floors on your knees for hours, or making rude sounds by cupping your hand under your armpit. Anyone who derives pleasure from collecting conkers and marbles and dried dog poops for no apparent reason does not possess the higher brain functions and will only try to look up your skirt or show you their tinkle the moment you try to initiate any kind of intellectual conversation. My advice is to steer clear of boys completely and instead hone your social skills with a nice teddy bears' tea party.
Hope that helps!