Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My boyfriend and I have recently been talking about spicing things up in the bedroom and maybe acting out some of our secret fantasies for each other, which now turns out to have been an enormous error. I thought I was being racy when I suggested I dress up as a nurse and let him spank me. But then he suddenly confessed that he wants me to pretend that we are Tony and Cherie Blair and that I need to prevent him from taking the country to war by repeatedly striking him about his person with an enormous black dildo. I'm not sure if I am up for that. Any suggestions?
Elaine,
Worcester

Dear Elaine,
As you have clearly discovered, sometimes allowing men access to your fantasies can be dangerous. My new best friend Olivia and I were playing 'let's pretend' in her new Wendy house the other day when we experienced a similar predicament to the one you describe. I was mummy and she was the daughter and we were having a jolly old time making a beautiful cake out of play-doh. But then we let her snotty little brother Colin join the fun and next thing we know, the house was being attacked by an army of toxic zombies whose relentless assault was only temporarily held back by Colin's impressive arsenal of invisible weaponry. It was only a matter of time before the zombies had breached the perimeter, torn the Wendy house apart and stamped all over the cake. Homeless and terrified, Olivia and I resolved never to play 'let's pretend' with Colin again.
Hope that helps!
Holly