Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for a couple of months and things are starting to get heavy. We’ve done practically everything except full intercourse, and I think I’m ready to take things to the next stage and let him stay over the whole night. The only problem is, I’m not sure how to divert the care assistant’s attention long enough to sneak Walter into my room. Any suggestions?
Treetops Residential Nursing Home,

Dear Edna,
Should you manage to get your friend to stay the night, just bear in mind that you never really know someone until they’ve come to your house for a sleepover. Had I known in advance that Alice Paterson was such a square, I would never have invited her in the first place. Everyone knows that at a sleepover you do lots of naughty, secret things. like have a midnight snack under the covers, practice kissing on your forearm, and use the Ouija board to contact Satan. Granted, things got a little spooky when the board spelled out HTYIP KILL ALICE FUSLFNA (I honestly wasn’t pushing it), but that was no reason for Alice to get all precious and go blabbing to her parents. Thanks to her we all had to see the school guidance counsellor and I’m not allowed my friends over to stay again for at least a month. What you need to learn from this is that if you’re going to invite anyone over to your house, obviously ensure you stock up on flumps and fun size Mars bars, but additionally, check to make sure you haven’t invited anyone who’s dad is a colonel in the Salvation Army.
Hope that helps!