Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I recently agreed to let my husband relinquish his evening washing up duties and attend a line dancing class in our village hall. He is a rather portly gentleman, and he had suggested that some vigorous exercise would do him good. However, the other evening, as I was passing the hall with our Yorkshire terrier, I happened to cast a glance through the window of the village hall and caught sight of my husband engaged in a highly vulgar act with Mrs Peters from the post office. The things that they were doing to each other were indeed ‘vigorous’, yet at no point in the proceedings did they even attempt a do-se-do. Do you think I should take this up with the committee?

Dear Sheila,
Last week during art class Oliver French attempted to circumcise himself with a pair of left-handed scissors. One minute we were all busily cutting out pretty shapes from brightly coloured sugar paper, the next the classroom was transformed into a horrific bloodbath, with everyone screaming and running in all directions from the carnage. That is, all except Oliver French, who’d just worked out that he wasn’t left-handed after all. At some point in the proceedings, I think the school nurse appeared and tended to Oliver’s wound, but I was far too busy trying to protect my beautiful butterfly collage to pay much attention to that. The lesson is, never leave boys unattended for extended periods of time – if your attention becomes diverted for too long you can guarantee they will always do something irresponsible involving their horrible, sticky-out bits.
Hope that helps!