Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My husband is obsessed with all things related to cars, and he spends all of his free time under the bonnet of some old jalopy, covered in grease and muttering about pistons and crankshafts. He never takes me to dinner or cuddles up to me on the sofa to watch America’s Next Top Model, and any form of rutting is completely off the cards. How can I tempt him away from this pointless hobby and convince him to start fiddling with my undercarriage instead?

Dear Louise,
From my experience, all boys like to waste their time doing pointless things, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Little girls spend valuable time rehearsing for their future lives as wives and mothers, playing with tea sets, brushing their dollies’ hair, and punishing naughty teddy bears. On the other hand,  boys are generally to be found frittering away their youth rolling marbles about the ground, collecting useless rubbish like stamps and conkers, and, worst of all, fighting each other with a vast range of invisible weaponry. What you have to realise is that you’ll never get a boy to join you in a tea party, and if you do then he’s probably planning to smash your teapot and take your Barbie hostage.
Hope that helps!