Your Astrological Week Ahead

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Talk to new people as you socialise this week. Everyone you know hates you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Have an open mind about someone on a first date. No one likes to be sized up before they have a chance to shine. He may not be that tall, but he does have a very large penis.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Do you subconsciously judge your dates by size of their bank accounts instead of their personalities? How shallow! What about their houses, stocks and fixed interest investments?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

With so many things on the go it's hard to slow down and enjoy the finer things life has to offer. Don’t worry, they’re not for the likes of you anyway.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

If you feel you need to be critical of your sweetheart, be sure to raise your many concerns in a constructive way. How about PowerPoint?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Just when you think your social circle is feeling a bit cramped, someone new appears on the scene. What do they think you are? Made of holes?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Don't let pride get in the way of saying sorry to someone you’ve offended. Use stubbornness instead, it’s much more effective.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

It's easy to be negative with all the bad things that are happening to you in your every day life. That’s it.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Don't let a small misunderstanding with your partner turn into a big power struggle. Beat the shit out of them with a bag of oranges before things get out of hand.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

While you can't predict what life holds, I can. Make sure your underwear is clean.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

What love story will you tell after your latest romance? Will it be a passionate affair full of twists and turns, or a solitary sordid night of meaningless sex? I wonder.