Your Astrological Week Ahead

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

You’ve just not been your usual carefree self lately. Stress could be affecting your behaviour towards others. Keep your tension down with frenzied masturbation.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

An old flame might try to convince you to let bygones be bygones and try again at romance. Always good for a quick one.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Play close attention to the tone of peoples' voices to detect their feelings. And the swear words. You fucking cock-titter.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Make a list of relationship goals you'd like to meet this year, whether it's just flirting with that hottie who makes your lattes in the morning or actually asking her to touch your privates.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Everyone appreciates being the centre of attention once in awhile, so go on – enjoy your trial. The Thai legal system is confusing but you’re a long time dead!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

You've been very sensitive about your looks lately, but there's no need to hide under a sack. Just accept that no one could ever love you.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Thoughts may not be clear today, so try writing them down to get them into focus. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill is all very well. But who?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Meditate on what you want from your next relationship. Do you still want something casual and fun? Or are you're ready now to go with the same man for two nights in a row?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Things are going your way for a change. Spread a little happiness by sharing your good cheer with those less fortunate than you. Go on, rub it in big style.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Today your persistence makes all the difference. You may have slipped into that hole ‘by accident’ but by god you’re not getting out until you’re finished. Whatever she says.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You're an interesting person with plenty of hilarious stories about yourself. Go and tell them to someone else.