Your Astrological Week Ahead

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Others may be overreacting to a harmless and light-hearted comment you made in jest. Tell them all to fuck off, the humourless bastards.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

A strong and intense romance sounds exciting, but so does frequent meaningless sex, and you get so much more variety.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Your friends do miss you, but deep down, they know you are better off dead.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

It's a good day to get what you want, so why not ask someone you don't know for oral?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Stop thinking so much about what could have been with someone who's obviously no longer interested. The pub shuts in an hour, plenty time to find another penis to go home with.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

A new person may show up today to sweep you off your feet, but will you notice? Here’s a clue, it’s the angry Polish woman standing over you with a broom.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Put time aside to assess your savings plan, your overall pension provision and where you hope to be in life ten years from now. Fucking Christ.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

As much as you'd rather go out and try and have some fun, it might be a good day to stay home for some frenzied masturbation. Just like yesterday in fact.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Not feeling that great? Take some drugs. Now isn’t that better

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

All marriages thrive on compromise. Why not agree to birthdays, and perhaps he will let you off Christmas this year.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Romance can sneak up on you when you least expect it so always make sure you are ready for Cupid to strike. Knickers?