Your Astrological Week Ahead

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Smile and be flirty. But don't do that creepy thing with your tongue, it makes you look like Robson Greene.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Focus on your home and family life today. The bailiffs reckon they'll be there by noon.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Keeping busy is the best way to heal a lonely heart. But it can lead to swelling. Use a marmalade poultice.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Don't forget the point of a first date. It's not a job interview and you're not there to learn everything about them. You're there to gauge how they feel about threesomes.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Saturn is indicating that Friday is the perfect day to drive your car through the perfume department at John Lewis.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Are you hoping for a sizzling affair? A passionate connection seems ideal, however passion can burn out quickly if you have nothing in common except for lust. Then again, who gives a monkeys?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It's a great day to reflect on what you've been up to lately. The police can't hear the voices in your head.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Somewhere, in a field far, far away, a bull has started charging towards you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Once again others are looking to you for advice. While you are, as always, sympathetic to their needs, do keep some time aside for frenzied masturbation.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Keep your affairs light-hearted and low-key. And don't plan any heavy long-term stuff until you know your husband's shift pattern inside out.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It may feel as if people are going out of their way to be rude to you, but they aren't, because you're absolutely horrendous.