Your Astrological Week Ahead

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Beelzebub is in the ascendant in your house this week. He is your lord and master. Kill, kill, kill.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Mercury, Mars and the sun fuse together to create a thermo-nuclear chain reaction that will destroy every planet in our solar system. So that's Wednesday.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It's a good day to let a friend know how much you care about them. Send them yet another turd in a shoebox.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
There's more to being attractive than just looks. But not much more. Never mind.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Venus, your ruling planet, meets Jupiter and they both go the pub where they end up having a fight with Mars. Later they go back to Saturn's for a three-way.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It's everywhere. Get a cloth.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You may feel a little depressed today. But it's only natural to find yourself down in the dumps once in a while. After all, you are an unmitigated failure.

Leo – in association with FX (23 JUL-22 AUG)
With the moon in Jupiter there is a very strong indication that you should stay in on Sunday night and watch Burn Notice on FX.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Today it would be wise to listen and then act. But when did you ever do that you total fucknut?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Few things cheer up a Libra more than happy news involving close friends or loved ones. Free money is one of them. A tethered goat is another.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Are you tired of seeing the same old group of people when you go out? If so, that dovetails very neatly with them being sick of your stupid face.