Your Astrological Week Ahead

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The spotlight is on you today. This means you have made it over the wall. Run like bloody fuck.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You disagree with the decision others have made over the office Christmas meal. Be patient. Within days they will all be dead in a freak accident involving an exploding Peking duck.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The strong position of the sun in Sagittarius makes you sit up and make stock. Mercury is roasting some sweet potatoes and Libra has brought a Moulinex hand blender from John Lewis.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Who let you in? Seriously.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Romance in the workplace can be exciting or awkward depending on how it works out. Why not leave a photocopy of your parts on his desk as an opening gambit?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It isn't just presents you have to wrap up before Christmas. Don't forget that 'business' with Jimmy Two Times you need to take care off, capiche?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Make a move on someone you've been admiring from afar. Skip subtle hints and go for the most direct approach. When that doesn't work try crying, or offering money.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Just all of those involving you, you repellent whore.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Others may be overreacting to something you said in passing. Instead of apologising push a gun into their nostril and tell them to shut the fuck up.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your initial reaction to a sudden change in plan won't exactly be enthusiastic. But after he explains what's up there, you may start to enjoy it.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The run up to Christmas can be stressful for us all, so stop complaining you self-absorbed arsehole.