Your Astrological Week Ahead

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Listen carefully to your friends and family today – you’ve waited a long time to hear them scream for mercy like that, make sure you enjoy it to the full.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Is it me, or is there a really bad smell in here just now?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your date doesn't want to hear about your mother's brain operation or your chemotherapy. They just want sex, and with the wig on.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Saturn has made work and property your top priority since May, but now Mercury has decided it’s time you were fired and your home repossessed.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Venus is sprinkling fairy dust all over your personal relations. Do I have to spell it out?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A promotion at work is promised by Jupiter. There again, did he ever actually show you those puppies?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
That post-holiday re-entry into the world of work can be a real source of the blues – stay at home in your underwear, drinking.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Still on the lookout for friendship and companionship without sex? What are you, some kind of demented pervert?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If you're searching for gainful employment or a charming companion, then you’re out of luck. But Johnny the Turk still is still looking for a drug mule.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I've never seen one that shape either.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don't deny your physical needs right now. Just put a newspaper over the top of it and hopefully the woman sitting next to you will never notice.