Your Astrological Week Ahead

11-01-09

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
For the Sea Goat, today's full Moon signals the real end of 2008. But for the Space Cow it means arse grapes.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Tackling everything that needs to be done at work right now will take effort, enthusiasm and stamina. Just set fire to it.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
With Mercury, your ruling planet, going backwards in your sister sign of Aquarius you need to clear those drug debts before you lose a thumb.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Right now, the people around you are more in tune with your needs than you are. That's why they've locked you in a trunk.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The full moon in your sister sign of Cancer is asking you to adopt a child from Uganda.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Those who think you're all work and no fun just need a reminder. Wear a novelty tie to the office and constantly repeat catchphrases from The Simpsons. That should do it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You're a bit fragile lately and prone to feeling insulted. Grow some cojones you overly sensitive prick.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
When it comes to dating, time is your best friend as eventually you'll be dead and no-one will care that your corpse is single.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The movement of Venus though Libra's second house once again raises concerns that you may be a waste of oxygen.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If your friends don't like the gorgeous hunk you're dating, take heart. He's already sleeping with someone else and will dump you this week because the sex is so mechanical.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You're so fat. Fatty.

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