Your Astrological Week Ahead

19-01-09

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
For once, could you please bring some of your own drugs.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A good week to butter up your contacts, and then wrestle with them naked in front of a large fire, enjoying the feel of their oiled, sleek bodies, but in an entirely non-sexual way.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your no-nonsense, speak-as-you-find attitude is often correctly interpreted by friends as sheer fucking rudeness. You fuck off.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Pluto, the most useless of all the planets, enters your celestial house this week and starts trying to borrow a tenner until pay day.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Wayward Mercury has broken into Shelley von Strunckel's office and mixed up all her charts, her stuff is going to be way out for weeks, if she even notices, the stupid bitch!

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The stars come into a rare alignment, with opportunities galore on the horizon. It's a shame that ham-fisted morons like Leos will utterly fail to notice them.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
"Keep it tidy" makes a good Virgo mantra. Natural is one thing, but when it's hanging out the bottom of your skirt it's time to trim.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Soak it overnight in some lemon juice and a squeeze of vinegar.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
That heap of junk mail on your doorstep will finally reach the letterbox, alerting the authorities to your un-mourned death eight months ago.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Even if you feel vulnerable, the positive energy surrounding you keeps you safe from those who would do you harm, although you probably should still carry two knives and a gun.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Tensions at home see you choosing to sleep on a park bench to avoid the crushing pointlessness of it all. A good time to start hoarding newspapers.

 

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