Your Astrological Week Ahead


Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Restless? Try reading a book you fish-brained self-abuser.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Mercury stops retreating on Saturday so be careful, he is always at his most dangerous when cornered.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
At this point I'd advise you to run in a zig zag motion, ocassionally dropping to the floor and rolling. Just so's you know, I'll be using a crossbow.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you're not feeling in the mood for sex so much lately that's okay – no one is in the slightest bit interested in you anyway.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The slender new moon, visible in your skies from Friday is a reminder that it’s all gone straight to your thighs.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Mars and Mercury bring round 10 litres of White Lightening, an eighth of an ounce, and five tubes of Pringles. But oh no! Saturn has forgotten the bong.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Put it away. Can’t you see I'm eating?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A jaunt to a bookstore could yield a surprising introduction. After brief chatter about this or that, you are invited back to their place for heavy bondage sex.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Anyone seen my keys?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Venus and Jupiter align over Uranus, while Mercury records it all on his phone for the News of the World.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
I’m sorry, but it's not your glands.

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