Your Astrological Week Ahead

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Mercury, Mars and Jupiter let you see ahead with clarity, but Saturn is standing right in front of you wearing a great big Afro wig.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Don't be tempted to take a gamble with joint finances. Always make sure you have something left over at the end of the week for drugs.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Might be an idea to laminate that Dear John letter before your pathetic tears of sorrow reduce it to a papier mache of grief.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Choccy biccy?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The emergence of Pisces may explain the terrible smell of fish you notice every time you enter a room. Or it may not.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The Sun arrives in your sign this week recharging not only your batteries, but thanks to your portable solar planel, the ones in your vibrating egg.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Versatility, quick-thinking and determination are commendable qualities. Why not, for once in your sorry life, just fucking try them?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Mercury has moved back in with Aquarius, but he still can't stop himself from sleeping with Uranus. Tee hee.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Not indicating at a roundabout does not make you a bad person. No, scratch that, you're Hitler.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Is there any chance you could stop touching yourself for five minutes? Thanks!