Your Astrological Week Ahead

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
After a sluggish start to the year, things are about to slow down before eventually grinding to a complete halt.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You can tell yourself you are just washing it quickly, but in God's eyes it is still a sin.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
However you define 'creativity'- artistic skill, business nous, or just successfully raising a family of bright and well-adjusted children – you don't have it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
There's always someone who will offer you a warm smile and gentle hand, but if you're looking to be held down and beaten by a severe looking woman in a school uniform then that'll be fifty quid.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Don't imagine things to be bigger and better than they are. Measure it in centimetres if you must, but you're fooling no-one but yourself.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Venus hovers opposite, then follows you down the street and onto the bus to your job in the hairdressers and books in for his fourth shampoo this week. Creepy tit.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Cautious progress has always been your modus operandi. This is why you keep being hit by cars.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The next two months promise to be unusually fruitful but very low on potatoes. There will be eggs though, and cheese. Heaps of cheese.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Nobody likes a crybaby. Nobody likes you. You are a crybaby. Is any of this sinking in yet?