Your Astrological Week Ahead

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Are those parsnips?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week’s full Moon highlights your poor teeth and the terrible smell of dog ordure that constantly surrounds you, but decides to do nothing about them.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If the weight of your chosen career is hanging heavy, don't worry. It will soon be over.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Look at your relationships as objectively as you can. You thought you could make her love you, but now she has set fire to herself it's time to move on.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Believe in yourself and others will too. Actually that's just rubbish.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Mars and Neptune are having a naked wrestling match on your rug, but there is nothing homosexual about it, not even their erections, which happen all the time in professional wrestling. You can look it up if you want.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Someone may criticise the way you do things, or hold judgement over how you run your life. Her name is Harriet Harman, and you should find out where she lives.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Although your career, children and your husband are important to you, they are not as important as white wine.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Time to reassess your savings and investments, business unions, friendships and emotional partnerships, if you have any.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Oooh, that's a nasty looking burn.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Mercury and Saturn fit warped discs to your car brakes making the steering vibrate like something from the Ann Summer’s catalogue. What a pair of fucking jokers.