Your Astrological Week Ahead

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Put yourself in the shoes of foes, work out their motives, any regular patterns they follow, then lie in wait with a wartime Luger, first making sure that a sweaty misfit lives nearby.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The recent new moon has reminded you how important it is you believe in yourself and the 'little people' who do your share of the washing up.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
An underground goat is a fretful creature, stroke its beard and milk it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
With Jupiter in your sign continuing to expand your opportunities, something must go right for you soon, surely?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Instead of getting on your high horse and making demands, or telling others how wonderful you are, listen to that nagging inner voice that keeps on saying you are an awful shit.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It's time to make some major decisions over your home life and where you go from here, luckily the options are narrowed slightly by the divorce and the restraining order.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Drinking cider at eleven in the morning does not automatically mean you are an alcoholic, but it is what's known as a 'leading indicator'.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Look deeply into your own psyche and work out what you really want, and how much you think it's worth to have someone dress up like that and do it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Direct your innovative thought patterns to money matters, as you know that in these troubled times someone, somewhere is still making a shitload.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Shake things up at work by adopting a preposterous and impenetrable German accent.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I'm not sure if they are all plotting against you, but why not have them assassinated just in case?