Your Astrological Week Ahead

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Jupiter and Neptune help you turn fantasy into reality, but most of the credit must go to the friendly old lady who provided the giant cot and nappies.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Waiting for a bus in a German town after escaping from a prisoner of war camp? Try not to say 'thank you' in English when some big Nazi says 'Good Luck'.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Fa, fa, fa, fah, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Mercury, your ruling planet, is helping you greatly by lending you small amounts of money until you get back on your feet, or are forced to become his bum slave.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You're in a good place financially: locked inside a bank vault with a pneumatic drill, a sewer directly under your feet and a pair of Chinese acrobats

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
An old association with a friend or colleague is there to be dusted off and renewed, and past antagonisms gently set to rest in a shallow grave just off the A6.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Mars and Venus are now marching in step, their heavy boots stamping on your face, forever.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
For the past month it has been two steps forwards, one back, which means you are now only half as many steps forward as you would otherwise have been.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As Saturn arrives back in your sign you might well ask where the hell he was last night, and what kind of idiot he takes you for, saying he slept on Kevin's sofa. Bullshitter.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You're not the type to read widely on an important subject, but you are the type to sit in the pub and drunkenly go on and on about things you know absolutely nothing about.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Honestly? Anything could happen.