Your Astrological Week Ahead

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Stick work on the back burner, you have parties to make, children's festivities to attend, lovers to seduce. But for the love of Christ don't get the last two mixed up like last time.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Pluto stimulates your ambitions and self-belief, but the Moon keeps on saying you are a worthless heap of shit.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Jupiter, the planet of expansion, meets Neptune the god of small, oddly-shaped blue pills promising a firm but ultimately lengthy and painful erection.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
An intriguing week for news: Phil Woolas and his solid gold toaster, something to do with Joanna Lumley and a snake, and lots of dragons. But nothing here as regards you. Perhaps you're dead.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Aries makes his way back into your partnership house, falls over in his duffel coat while trying to take off his boots, and then lies there laughing and stinking of drink, the thoughtless prick.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Here's a good week to show off your good taste, charm and creativity. Assuming you have any.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Mercury has reversed into Taurus, they have exchanged insurance details but, oh no, the god of communication forgot to post off the cheque with his renewal form. Not so smug now is he?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Someone has drawn a pair of hairy planets hovering around the base of a huge rocket with what looks like sparks coming out of its unusually bulbous nose on my front door. What can it mean?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Tiptoe around significant others and they may not realise it is four in the morning and you have just come back from the office party with your pants on inside out.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Venus and Mars bring a goat to the hall. Which is fine, but why's it always you who has to kidnap the virgin?