Your Astrological Week Ahead…

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Saturn blasts his Belgian Gabba Hardcore on the stereo, readies the restraints and fires up the soldering iron. Time to drift off to your happy place until it's all over. Tuesdays, eh? Tsk. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Pluto tells you to think first, act later, and avoid going over the top. Unfortunately Mercury then has you court martialled and shot for cowardice. And quite right too.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After several locals are devoured by an enormous shark, you finally put aside your hydrophobia and galvanise the town council into action. So they send you out to sea in a stinking deathrap with a smart-arsed nerd and an alcoholic lunatic. Oh and by the way, that boat is nowhere near big enough.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The sweetcorn in your faeces continues to cause concern, mainly because you haven't eaten sweetcorn since you were six.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Another week of sexual potency, financial success and spiritual wellbeing point to the fact you've stolen Gemini's horoscope again. They're going to hit the roof when they find out and you'll be forced to spend six months as a Pisces. A fucking Pisces!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
If a messy desks shows a messy mind and an empty desk an empty mind, what do we make of your desk, crammed as it is with photos of your long-dead cat?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The wounded badger in your back garden that you've nursed back to health since it was run over in your street repays your kindness with the gift of tuberculosis.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You are in two minds about whether or not to submit a provocative article to a national newspaper insinuating that homosexual lifestyles result in almost certain death. Do it. Everyone will agree with you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your prospects improve dramatically this week as your GP confirms that the peas in a Findus Crispy Pancake can, as you had consistently and furiously maintained, be included in your five-a-day.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you are a tree. Whatever you do, don't move or you will just end up scaring the shit out of everyone.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
As a Libran you are well-balanced and your life is the epitomy of harmony and proportion. Which is why everyone is going to laugh like a bloody drain when it all goes tits up on Thursday.