Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It's hard to disentangle reality from fantasy at this point, but I suspect you'll work it out as soon as the fat lady in the black leather boots has stopped beating your bare arse with a plastic light-sabre.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It's time for answers. And you don't have any because you spent the last three years getting shitfaced in the student union, smoking weed and watching Battlester Galactica DVDs in your undies. Not to worry, call centres aren't that bad.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Next weekend's rare meeting of Jupiter and Neptune represents a tipping point when your life will pass from being relatively unbearable to utterly degrading.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It's time you climbed in the driving seat and made things happen. Put the long metal stick thing with the jaggedy edge into the slot on the column behind the hollow round thing and turn it clockwise. Now proceed straight ahead unless I tell you to do otherwise.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
That part of your life that is a well-kept secret is not going to be a secret for much longer. PANTY SNIFFER!!!!
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
People seem to be bombarding you with invitations to amazing social events while offering you many fantastic new opportunities. They've obviously got the wrong person.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After three heel-dragging weeks of Mercury going backwards you have two very badly worn heels.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Stop taking life so seriously. Go into your disciplinary hearing buck-naked with the words 'lick this' and a long, downward-pointing arrow painted onto your chest and stomach.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I don't know what that smell is but I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn the hose on you.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Sometimes fate shows us a new road to travel, but mostly these days it's the impressive new Navman F200, with its dedicated features showing you the location of the nearest off-licence/goat brothel.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Jupiter and Mars indicate a time of new opportunities and fresh tarts, but it's all lies, especially the bit about the tarts.