Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The love planets are offering you a second chance at getting that barmaid from the Feathers involved in a three-way. Don't worry, she'll bring her own crisps.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
How can we use Ferris Bueller's Day Off to reconsider Louis Althusser's theories of ideology, aesthetics and institutions? Well? We're all waiting…

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Take time to work out who you really are and what you really want, and then throw yourself on the mercy of Our Lord you demented pervert bastard.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I know I've made some very poor decisions recently but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will soon be back to normal.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
There's fun and laughter on your doorstep, but that's only because someone has painted 'monkey humper' on the front of your house again.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The boom shack-a-lak it are the brand new style. Do the boom shack-a-lak. Do the boom shack-a-lak.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Blame today's disruption on Mercury in your skies rather than your own crushing stupidity and a breakfast of Cheerios soaked in vodka.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Jupiter and Neptune in your workzone have stolen all your pencils and stuck a post-it note saying 'spank me harder vicar' on your back.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Be thorough about finishing what you started. Remove hands and feet, bury them separately, and remember: Dental records are your enemy!

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Just how far you're prepared to bend where money is involved will be clearer next week. You dirty, mucky whore.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don't believe that idiot von Rundstedt. These Normandy landings are obviously just a deception. The real attack will be through the Pas-de-Calais and you'd be crazy to move your Panzer divisions away from there!