Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Listen honey, the hold-your-stomach-in pants have not yet been invented that can hold in that. Trust me sweet cheeks.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Those tough decisions involving your emotional life are best postponed until the medication starts to kick in.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You know how they say there's always light at the end of a tunnel. Well, in your case it's a circular tunnel. Filled with bats.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your sign is dominated this week by Saturn, who stands in the corner, saying nothing, and reaching into his inside pocket every time you try and leave the room.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Okay, so they've sent you an ear through the post, but that proves nothing. Wait until you get something you can take a fingerprint from before you write that big fat cheque.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Are you feeling alright? You don't look at all well to me. And you smell weird.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If history has taught us anything, it is that you can kill anyone. Oh, and that straight men don't like musicals.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your letter, printed in the local paper, takes laminated pride of place on your desk this week. You complete fucking nincompoop.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Je voudrais vous payer pour frotter le pâté de poissons dans mes fesses pour les trois heures suivantes. Acceptez-vous Mastercard?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
They key thing now is to inflict massive losses as they attempt to move through the Ardennes. Then, when they are forced to pull back to Lille, you can consolidate on both fronts. And where is Von Braun with that damned atomic bomb?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
News of a new housing estate on the edge of town has you hurriedly arriving in the dead of night armed with a shovel, a roll of binbags and a claw hammer.