Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Just hit the fucking ball over the fucking net, but make it land inside that great big box formed by the white lines. Really, is that so difficult?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It really doesn't matter how many of them are good friends of yours, saying stuff like that still makes you an outstanding racist.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The moon in your career zone leaves you feeling important. But you aren't.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Don't bury your head in the sand in the hope that you financial problems disappear, bury the head of your bank manager instead.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
With a lunar eclipse imminent in your skies it's a month of fucks. Or is it flux? Or is it ducks? This is not an exact science you know.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
All your work pays off this week when you're made a level 32 Paladin with +12 armour. Your first mission – have a bath, for Christ's sake.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Don't blame it on the sunshine. Don't blame it on the moonlight. Don't blame it on the good times. Blame it on the chronic alcohol abuse, compulsive masturbation and total absence of social skills.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If a picture paints a thousand words, that tattoo above your arse cheeks is a badly-written novel.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Venus's arrival in your skies today favours three weeks of personality disorders followed by an even longer stay than normal in the secure unit of your local mental hospital.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Virgo flicks through your CD rack, raising one eyebrow and making condescending remarks.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Keep the long term in focus at all times because the short term is just more career failure and continued sexual disappointment, followed by uncontrolled sniggering and pointing.