Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A disused garage, a sobbing man, the stench of oil from the rag stuffed into your mouth, some rusty pliers, and a severed ear. I don't think you'll be home for Emmerdale. Shall I call your mum?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week sees you reading a Milan Kundera novel in Starbucks, sipping a skinny latte, while listening to Miles Davis. But make no mistake, you're fooling nobody, you arse.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Saturn kick-starts the week by instigating a petition to have you evicted from your street after spreading false paedophile rumours. He's such a joker.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Teach yourself Bo Lou Pork with Wanchai Ferry. Embrace the marinade and be at one with the pig. It can't be any worse than the usual shit you eat. Can it?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who rises and sleeps under the very blanket of the freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. So get it up you.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The moon enhances your romantic side and fires up your attractiveness, but not so much as to actually get anyone interested in you. What did you expect, a miracle?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Life is one big party for you at the moment. Sadly it's the British National Party and your friends have told them you're an Albanian gypsy. Run like fuck!
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The sun completely bypasses your sign this week and heads straight to Scorpio as frankly you're not worth the effort.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Stick stubbornly to your long-term agenda. However crazy it seems and disastrously wrong it looks to be going at the moment, the rest of us are enjoying it enormously.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The situation at home continues to be warm, comforting and secure. But not your home, of course.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The recent eclipse and its connection to fateful Pluto has underlined the pressing need for some major changes in your wife.